“I’m sure they felt they had to invite me to this party. They will probably be relieved if I don’t go.”

“I can’t believe she did not acknowledge me. I must not be important enough.”

“I knew I should not have worn this dress, now everyone thinks I look awful.”

“I can’t believe I said that. The words just came out of my mouth. What are people thinking?”

“Everyone else seems to know one another—I just do not belong.”

“I have nothing interesting to add to conversations, they probably think I’m boring.”

“I must be an awful mother; everyone else’s kids seem so accomplished.”

Do any of these negative messages sound familiar? Sometimes, such thoughts are so fleeting; we do not even realize they exist. Yet, if we pay careful attention to our feelings, we can detect destructive and damaging internal messages.

On the one hand, we know such thinking is ridiculous; we are adults and should be way past worrying about other peoples’ perceptions. We should have learned by now, that people are thinking about themselves, not about us. On the other hand, our childhood insecurities seem to defy logic and rear their ugly heads.

We must stop sabotaging our self confidence. By being cognizant of negative self messaging, we can identify harmful thoughts and stop them in their tracks! Increased awareness will help us to recognize diminishing self judgments and either stop them or replace them with positive messaging.

“Can you believe that e-mail? Oh, you didn’t see it yet. Let me forward it to you!” On and on she goes. The longer she talks, the more animated she becomes: The Drama Queen. There is probably one in your office. She vigilantly scans her environment, desperately seeking a perceived injustice or piece of gossip to sink her teeth into and demonstrate her outrage.

Her emotional roller coaster is often entertaining. She has the ability to seduce non suspecting victims into her tangled web of hysteria. She is never boring, in fact quite passionate, as she broadcasts the latest evil to anyone who will listen.

Beware of The Drama Queen. Do not be seduced by her innocent façade. She will pull you down and even possibly damage your chances for career advancement.

Employers want people they can count on. They look to maintain equilibrium in the office environment. They look to enhance productivity. They look to promote thoughtful, rational decision makers. The antics of the drama queen are diametrically opposed to these goals.

Next: Are you a Drama Queen?

I love reading your comments: Laura@realwomenwin.com

You do NOT want to be known as the “Drama Queen”. Drama Queens are not taken seriously. A Drama Queen is to an office what a hypochondriac is to a physician. Once the label is set, it is difficult to remove. Even if you have a legitimate complaint, it is now received with skepticism.

Yes, you may have an emotional and passionate personality. Such characteristics serve you well in many situations. However, when you loose control and fly off the handle, you diminish yourself and disrupt your environment. Worst of all, you are perceived as immature and you risk loosing respect and status.

Here are some simple steps to help avoid being The Drama Queen:

1. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions. I don’t care if you were just insulted or your opinion was disregarded. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.

2. Do NOT respond while your emotions are charged.

3. Remove yourself from the situation so that you can review the action and your response in an objective manner.

4. Consider whether or not a response is even warranted. What is the purpose of responding? Will responding help your long term goals?

5. If a response is warranted, what is a mature, thoughtful and appropriate reaction?

6. Visualize someone you highly respect. How do you think they would handle the situation?

7. Make sure you have “cooled down” before proceeding.

I would love to hear how you have handled difficult, emotional situations. Please contact me at: Laura@RealWomenWin.com

Jill had a great job interview on Tuesday. She left the building; the final words of her prospective employer still whirling in her head, “We should be back to you by the end of the week.”

That evening, she kept the phone close at hand, just in case they made an early decision. All day Wednesday, she cradled the phone, knowing it was too soon, yet hoping for The Call. Now, it was Thursday. “Thursday is the start of the end of the week”, she told herself, as she brought her phone into the bathroom. “You never know when it may ring,” she rationalized. Through- out the day and into the night, she never strayed from her phone, her hope. By 10pm that evening, she adjusted her inner dialogue. “I guess Friday is really the end of the week.” I know they will call me tomorrow.

She jumped out of bed Friday morning, taking a very early shower. She could not risk missing The Call. She spent each minute, each hour, in her own little world, obsessed with the silence of her phone, waiting for The Call. The silence, so deafening, she could not concentrate on anything else. It was now 4pm, still, no Call. What should she do?

Coming Soon: Making the Follow up Phone Call.

I love hearing your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com

Our forefathers worked as a means to provide food, clothing and shelter for their families. They labored long hours and withstood exhausting schedules to put “bread on the table.” The work ethic was ingrained into their psyches and passed on from one generation to the next.

Lessons were taught based on a strong sense of ethical responsibility to one’s employer. “Ask not what your employer can do for you, but what you can do for your employer.” Workers showed up early and stayed late. They looked to take on extra responsibility and prove their worth. They coveted the opportunity to earn a paycheck. They went the “extra mile” to ensure their position.

Flash forward and concepts like “passion” and “self fulfillment” crept into the equation. “Find your passion,” we instruct our children. “Do what you love and the money will follow,” we advise our college bound progeny.

Clothed in the best suits, trained in the best schools, they enter the work place. We thought we had prepared them by providing personal coaches, SAT tutors, semesters abroad and summers at sea. They enter the work force with expectations as inflated as their egos. “What’s in it for me?”

What happened to those long lost values? When did the work place become a “buyers” market? For those who crave success in today’s world, the economic reality, marked by soaring unemployment, has forced a shift back to the “old fashion” principles of hard work and high standards. We need to rethink and re-message expectations for the next generation.

I would love to hear your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com

A common and effective fundraising tool is holding an event to attract both existing and potential contributors.

Quite often, a prominent speaker or entertainer is selected that will hopefully “draw” a crowd to the event. The “draw” may be a musician, comedian, rock group, speaker, writer or high level official. In other words, the “draw” is someone or something that will motivate people to buy tickets and attend.

Based on the budget for the event, ticket prices are set. Frequently, there are special or VIP tickets. These tickets usually cost substantially more than general admission seats and entitle the bearer to attend a “private” event with the “draw.” At these private, pre or post functions, there is often “upscale” food and beverage. There is also the opportunity to network with a small, influential group of attendees.

Much too often, at the VIP events, women are conspicuous by their absence. Unless it is an event that is strictly geared to women, we do not come out in force and show our support. Perhaps it is because they are usually held in the evening; where other responsibilities prohibit us from attending. Perhaps it is because we cannot fathom or justify spending large sums for a VIP ticket rather than the more modest general admission price.

Whatever the justification, we need to be seen as players. We need to be seen as equals. We need to represent ourselves. We need to be perceived as powerful. We need to attend the VIP event. In developing your marketing and networking budget, allow yourself the option to attend some of these events. Sometimes part of the cost may be written off. Other times, employers may pay or subsidize the ticket. The bottom line is that the cost of not attending may outweigh the hefty ticket price.

Do you attend these events? Please send me your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com.

Without labeling it as such, you have probably already formed a strategic alliance. For example, you’re hosting Thanksgiving and rather than doing all the cooking, decorations, etc. by yourself, you partner with other friends and family. Aunt Martha will bring her stuffing. Your sister, not the world’s best cook, is bringing wine. In short, each person will bring to the table her specific expertise so that the whole is greater than the parts.

Forming partnerships or alliances to achieve common goals is an excellent and frequently overlooked tool. While obviously not applicable to every situation, we can often join forces and increase desired results. For example, you want to exhibit your product at a trade show, convention or exhibition. The cost of buying space on your own is prohibitive. You reach out to another vendor who has a complimentary, but not competitive, product. More specifically, if you are a corporate coach you might share space with someone who provides contact management software.

On a larger scale, strategic alliances lead to partnerships, mergers and acquisitions. The advantages include economy of scale, access to resources and increased market share. However, before entering into a new relationship, you must consider possible obstacles like questions of control, the personalities of key players and diverse cultures.

The important factor is to think “out of the box” and consider whether there is an individual or entity that you can work with to achieve mutually beneficial results. As women, we are too often reluctant to venture out of our safety zone and seek out potential, new relationships.

Please share your alliances: laura@realwomenwin.com

Congratulations! You finally closed your eyes, held your breath and jumped. You left the safety and security of the past and are now on your way to your future. Now, to make your new dreams a reality you must navigate through the unsettling space called transition. How do you keep your emotions intact while it feels as if you are free falling during the interim?

1. Perspective – The old adage is true, “This too shall pass.” Ground yourself by remembering that this is but a blip in the screen of your life. Do not become submerged in the transition itself. This is merely a means to an end.

2. Resilience - Remember where you are headed and why you made the decision to move on. It is helpful to write down your impetus for making a change and what your hopes are for the future. When moments of inner turmoil strike, refer to these notes for inspiration. Also, look at past transitions and reaffirm your inner strength.

3. Distraction – During this unsettling time do whatever possible to reach your new goal. However, there will be unavoidable downtime ---fodder for obsession. Do not fall into the trap. Find ways to distract yourself like exercise, hobbies or new personal goals. For example, a friend of mine trained for a half marathon. This allowed her to channel her stress in a productive manner.

4. Determination – Once you have made the leap, quit looking back and questioning. Your have moved on to achieving new heights and satisfaction! Focus your thoughts on where you are going, not where you have been. Visualize your new goal and go for it with strength and determination.

How did you survive transition? laura@realwomenwin.com

You know how it goes. You’re getting ready for that “important” meeting. What should you wear—how should you appear? There is that bothersome voice whispering, “How should a (fill in the blank) lawyer, business women, consultant, etc look and act?” We try and conform to our guess of “their” expectation of how someone from our profession behaves and appears.

It is a rather ridiculous exercise—trying to anticipate the expectations of someone else. Just be yourself. Show your true personality and strengths. Of course, you will appear professional enough so as to not detract from your expertise. You are not going to show up wearing a ridiculous outfit and you are not going to act in an obnoxious or outrageous manner.

By playing a part, you make it extremely difficult to connect to your audience in an authentic way so as to form real, lasting relationships. Bottom line, your mother was right—be yourself!

If you do not trust that your self is strong and sufficient enough to get the job done—we have a bigger issue!

Thank you for your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

Let’s be honest. All we really want to do at the end of a long, stressful day is go home, put on our pajamas and be left alone. Conversely, the last thing we want to do is go to a meeting or event in our, by now often uncomfortable, work attire to meet and mingle. Understandably, therefore, we often miss the “optional” evening networking events, fund raisers, etc. We’re tired. We do not want to have to put on our social face to go “see and be seen.”

Do it anyway. What better way to build your potential client or donor base? You are the best voice for your product, service or philanthropic cause. Your passion and conviction is what sells. Getting yourself in front of people is how you get known! It is how your build trust, confidence and passion. This is what builds relationships and clients.

So, how do you motivate yourself to go? My best tool is denial. I simply do not let myself focus on what I have to do or where I need to go at the end of the day. If I dwell or obsess over it, I will undoubtedly come up with a reasonable justification to let myself off the hook. In other words, I simply show up. The irony---95% of the time I end up having fun and meeting new and interesting people!

How do you get yourself to show up? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

You’re meeting someone for coffee, lunch, or a drink. Each of you sits down and places your cell phone on the table so that you can monitor calls and messages. A suggestion, say to your companion, “Excuse me while I turn off my phone.” Then put your phone out of sight.

What a powerful message you send by this thoughtful action. In effect, you have communicated, “I want to spend the next hour giving you my undivided attention. For the time that we are together, there is nothing more important to me than what you are saying.”

We can all survive, for a short time, without obsessive surveillance for possible outside communication. If you must make an exception because there really is a pending emergency, (waiting for the results of a recent blood test, or your child is driving on her own for the first time), a nice way to handle this is, “I apologize, but I am going to keep my phone on only because I am waiting for a call from my doctor. Of course, I will ignore all other calls and texts.”

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

A close friend was contemplating a difficult decision. She had been offered a new work opportunity. Unfortunately, the timing could not have been worse. She was in the midst of dealing with the failing health of an elderly parent and could not muster the energy to focus on the current opportunity. “I just don’t know how to think about this right now---there’s no room in my head!” she exclaimed.

Her summation of the situation was so well put. Oftentimes, when we are the most stressed or preoccupied, opportunities arise. At those moments, we simply do not have the emotional resources and energy to make informed decisions. So, being human, we stick to the known, the perceived safe place, and abstain from change.

A key skill is the ability to perceive when we are in a place where we simply cannot deal with new stimulation. Rather than rejecting, what could be fabulous opportunities, we need to acknowledge and accept where we are and try to buy some time. We do not want a temporary situation to keep us from embracing new, far reaching, opportunities. The mere act of recognition gives us control and hopefully a chance to postpone a decision until there is some “room in our head.”

How have you "bought some time"? Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

Change may be inner directed, outer directed or a little bit of both. Inner directed change comes from within. It is a decision you make for yourself to increase satisfaction in your life. For example, the catalysts for making the decisions to find a new job, move to a new city, learn a new skill, end a relationship or retire are most often self motivated.

Outer directed change comes from outside. It is a change that is thrust upon you. Examples of outer directed change are the loss of a loved one, illness, termination, or the loss of savings in a bear market. Sometimes changes are a combination of both inner and outer directed decisions.

In any event, change causes anxiety. You are leaving the known for the unknown. The fear may be so paralyzing that you are tempted to remain in horrific circumstances just to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Ambrose Redmoon was correct in declaring, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than the fear.”

It is unrealistic for you to expect to undergo transition without experiencing fear and anxiety. You will be thrown off balance and it is unsettling. However, you must realize that the courage is in the determination that reaching your new goal is more important that the transient fear that you will experience. Whether the new goal is specific like finding a more rewarding job or amorphous like surviving the death of a spouse----you must determine that regaining your equilibrium and moving on is crucial for your emotional well being.

What is stopping you from moving on?

Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

It happened again. I’m part of a group of about 75 people. An e-mail was sent out by our president, congratulating one of our members on a recent accomplishment. The praise was well deserved and appropriate. What was not appropriate, and frankly annoying, is my receiving copies of the 74 other members’ e-mails, echoing the original congratulatory message.

We must stop and think before we automatically hit “reply all” in response to an e-mail. More often than not, everyone on the list does not need to read everyone else’s agreement on the initial congratulatory message. If we feel the need to add our own congratulations, we should send it directly to the member, in other words, we can REPLY ONLY to her.

Likewise, if we wish to voice an opinion on an e-mail author’s sentiments, we may go ahead and do it, but, we must first consider whether the other 75 people on the list need to know our feelings. Oftentimes, by taking just a few seconds, we can distinguish and direct our remarks JUST to those who may be impacted by our reply.

We are all inundated with electronic communications. Let’s make a conscious effort to diminish these intrusions wherever possible and appropriate.

Laura@RealWomenWin.com #bereal

I just finished reading 5 pages of notes. I got the point; the committee was not able to reach a unanimous decision. They could have said this in 5 words, rather than 5 pages.

We are all inundated with electronic communication. How helpful if we were mindful on the length of our messages.

Take a moment and review your writings? Is there any way you could be more concise? Can you delete some words, sentences or hopefully paragraphs? Could you be more effective by using bullet points?

I have more to say, but, I'm sure you got the point!

Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

Our flaws have no inherent power. Their only power comes from within. The ultimate effect our imperfections have on our lives is in direct correlation with the power we give them. If, up to this point, we’ve allowed our inadequacies to control, it’s now time to render them impotent.

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal