“Why would they hire me now?  In this economy, there are far more experienced people, "  Sally said to herself, on her way to a job interview.  Miranda was on her way to show a perspective client some real estate properties.  “Everyone is afraid of making changes in this economic environment.  I know I am wasting my time,” she silently muttered.  Elizabeth, was going to ask a potential donor to help contribute to a capital fund, “There is no way they are going to go the extra mile, right now,” she thought.    Sally, Miranda and Elizabeth, (not their actual names),  and countless others like them, are not even cognizant of their thoughts as they prepare to sell themselves, their causes and their products.

We all have conversations with ourselves on a multitude of topics.  These thoughts are often so fleeting that we do not always notice their existence and we are not attuned to their significance.  We do not realize the impact they can have on our beliefs and behavior.  As Henry Ford so aptly stated, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t---you’re right.”

 When we go on a job interview, when we fund raise for a cause and when we sell our products or services---the first and most important person we must sell is ourselves.  If we are not believers—how can we possible convince others?

 Conviction is convincing.  When a consumer or contributor is making a decision they want validation that they are doing the right thing. Can you imagine, on the way to the operating room, hearing your doctor say, “I’m not sure you should undergo this type of surgery?”  Or, on the way to the court room having your lawyer state, “I’m not effective in communicating to juries.”  While these images are laughable, we communicate this same uncertainty when our thoughts are marked by negativity and self doubt.

 Make yourself aware of your negative self-talk.  Acknowledge your fears and challenges.  Then replace your negative thoughts with positive ones.  For example, Sally could replace her negativity with something like, “Yes, the economy is tough, that is precisely why they should hire me.  I will prove to be terrific asset adding value to their bottom line.”  Similarly, Miranda could pump herself up by replacing her negativity with, “In this real estate climate, my client has a terrific opportunity to buy a property at below market value.” 

Make sure you sell yourself first.  Be your own advocate.  Communicate with passion and conviction. If you are not confident, you will unwittingly communicate this to your perspective buyer and they will lose confidence in you and your product.

Issue #1  ---What Do I Wear?    

Yes, I know this is trivial, but it is one of the first things I am asked by women.  As a general rule, meetings that are held immediately after work usually call for business attire.  Saturday night events and other “extravaganzas” may require evening wear.  Daytime pool, beach or other outdoor venues, will usually warrant “business casual” attire.

The easiest way to insure that you are properly outfitted is to call the person responsible for the event and simply ask, “What is the dress?”   Or, if you chicken out of this one, you can try something like, “Should my date wear a coat and tie?” You can also poll your co-workers for consensus or ask other people who are going to attend what they are wearing.

Remember what your mother said, “It’s always better to be over dressed than underdressed.”  Also, make sure you wear appropriate shoes.  Fashionable, but comfortable enough to allow you to be on your feet and “work the room.”  It does you no good to get to the conference and have to sit down because your feet, which look great in those new shoes, are killing you.

 If you carry a purse, you may want a shoulder strap so that you can juggle your drink and food.  You also need a free hand for shaking!

Coming Next:  Issue #2  “What Do I Talk About?”

Issue # 2—What Do I Talk About?

"I'm terrible at making small talk." Sally whined to me, on her way to a networking event.  "I just do not know what to say," she continued.  We all have encountered situations where it is difficult to initiate conversation.  I suggest you plan 3 opening questions prior to the event.  It is usually better to ask open-ended questions, rather than ones that can be answered with a simple yes or no.  The following are suggestions to help you comfortably mingle:

1. Keep up with the news and ask something regarding current events.  For example, "Did you have a chance to hear the news today? What is the latest on the proposed health care bill?"


2. Comments about food and drink are easy.  A few examples:
   "Do you know where the bar is located?"
   "Did you try the meatballs at the station over there, how
   are they?"
   "Don't those desserts look tempting?  I guess no dieting     tonight!"


3. We love to talk about ourselves.  Questions eliciting information about the other person are great.  Some easy examples:
   "How long have you worked for ABCompany?"
   "How do you know Ted?"
   "Are you originally from the area?"
   "I love your purse, where did you get it?"


4. Comments or questions about the event itself lend to easy conversation.  Some common icebreakers are:
   "What did you think of the speaker?"
   "Have you attended this conference in the past?"
   "Do you know where we are meeting next year?"
   "Has this event led to business for you in the past?"

Coming Next:  Issue #3--How to Maximize Results from Events

It should be so simple, yet we have such a difficult time asking for what we want or need and then keeping our mouths shut. Too often, when we finally summon the courage to make the ask, we become anxious waiting for an answer, often fearing rejection. This is true whether it is a sale, help on a project, or in my case, an invitation to join a Board.

The “Asker” invited me to lunch. She told me the virtues of this particular organization. She went on to extol the work that they do and to delineate board member responsibilities. As she was speaking, I thought, “why not.” The meetings were minimal and their mission was interesting. “Maybe I’ll try it,” I thought to myself. As the words, “I accept” were working their way to my tongue, the Asker, unable to wait out my initial silence, jumped in. “I know this is asking a lot for you, I know how busy you are. We understand if you can‘t do it,” she rambled on through our salads. Her anxiety was palpable. By the time coffee was served, I decided she was right, I probably was too busy and turned her down.

The old adage goes, “Whoever speaks first, loses.” Make the ask, and sit tight for a while. Silence is ok, get comfortable with waiting!

You went to the effort to attend a networking event. You talked to the “right” people, engaged in intelligent conversation and made new acquaintances. How can you best maximize the results from these events?

The key is a follow-up plan. In order to implement an effective plan, take notes during the event. I like to ask for business cards, and jot down key points on the back of the card. I also carry a small spiral notebook in my purse as a back-up. I take a minute in a private place, the ladies room works great, and jot down pertinent information.

It is important to follow-up immediately after the event, while the information is fresh in your mind. For example, Sonia (not her real name) is a business consultant. During the course of a large political networking event, she met several potential clients. The next day, she contacted all of them, referenced the event and went on to attempt to set up meetings where she could discuss her services and the clients’ needs in greater detail. She also, set reminders for herself, for those who were not immediately ready to meet.

Do not skimp on follow-up. It could be the most important part of the networking event!

1. Make sure your resume is free from errors, professional and succinct.

2. Create an “elevator speech” to describe your aptitudes and interests.

3. Convey an attitude of flexibility and willingness to work hard.

4. Be realistic-this is a first job, not necessarily a career.

5. Your goal is to “get in the door” of an industry you desire for learning, exposure and contacts.

6. Appear confident and competent—but not egotistical.

7. Network, network, and network- you’re not always asking for a job, but for advice and access to key decision makers.

8. Yes, it is ok to ask your parent’s to help get you in front of the right people.

9. Follow up every meeting with a thank you. Keep those who help you up to date with your progress.

Let me know how your search is going!

Laura@RealWomenWin.com!!!!

1. Really, really believe in your product or service. You must be convinced that you are offering the best value. Not necessarily price, but quality, service, etc. You must exude genuine passion. You must be willing to bet your reputation on it---because you will.

2. Do not settle for less. Go for what you want. Forget the rules Set your sights on your goal—put blinders on and go for it!

3. Deal directly with decision makers. Sometimes they are the CEO or sometime s the assistant to a mid-level manager. Do some diligence to determine who actually makes the decision. That person is your target.

Stay tuned for More!

Please share your thoughts: Laura@RealWomenWin.com

4. If the result is important, do whatever it takes to procure a face –to- face meeting. Whether you are trying to hire a new employee or win a new contract, you need to look directly into the other person’s eyes. It is all about relationships.

5. Motivate your employees. Take the time to determine what really is important to them. Sometimes it is money. Oftentimes it is intangibles, like flexible scheduling. It is very empowering for an employee to feel confident that they can take time off for childcare or other critical personal matters.

6. Perception is reality. Be known as the authority/biggest/best in your field. This can be achieved through marketing, strategic publishing, trade shows, seminars, etc.

More to come! I look forward to reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com

7. Know your competition. The actual companies as well as the key players--you never know when opportunities may occur.

8. Maintain a stellar personal reputation--honesty, integrity and excellence. You can not buy a reputation. Once soiled it is difficult to repair.

9. Exude confidence.

10. People are people. Whether they are your co-workers, bosses, clients or employees, you need to connect. Once you obtain their respect and loyalty, they will move mountains to help you.

Please share your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com

“Can you believe that e-mail? Oh, you didn’t see it yet. Let me forward it to you!” On and on she goes. The longer she talks, the more animated she becomes: The Drama Queen. There is probably one in your office. She vigilantly scans her environment, desperately seeking a perceived injustice or piece of gossip to sink her teeth into and demonstrate her outrage.

Her emotional roller coaster is often entertaining. She has the ability to seduce non suspecting victims into her tangled web of hysteria. She is never boring, in fact quite passionate, as she broadcasts the latest evil to anyone who will listen.

Beware of The Drama Queen. Do not be seduced by her innocent façade. She will pull you down and even possibly damage your chances for career advancement.

Employers want people they can count on. They look to maintain equilibrium in the office environment. They look to enhance productivity. They look to promote thoughtful, rational decision makers. The antics of the drama queen are diametrically opposed to these goals.

Next: Are you a Drama Queen?

I love reading your comments: Laura@realwomenwin.com

We left off with Jill waiting for “The Call”, the job offer that was supposed to come by “the end of the week.” It is 4pm on Friday, still no phone call. What does Jill do?

We all can relate to Jill. Maybe it’s not a job offer, but a client who promised to get back to you and close a deal. Perhaps it is an agent; you’re waiting for his decision on representation. It may even be your physician, who promised to get back with test results.

In all these situations, we feel out of control. We perceive that we are at the mercy of the other person, helplessly waiting for them to contact us. Why don’t we take control and contact them? Usually, we hesitate because we hate putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. We do not want to be perceived as needy, annoying or pestering. We are afraid of hurting our chances by negatively influencing their decision. We do not want to incur their wrath because of our impatience.

I find the best solution is to be reasonable. In Jill’s case, I would probably wait until Monday, and if I had not heard from the employer, I would call. In other words, I would give the other person a “reasonable” window, and then take back control. When making the subjective determination of “reasonable” objectively consider the necessity of a timely response.

When you do make that call, the key is to refrain from putting the other person on the defensive. You do not want to begin by saying, “It is Monday, and you promised to get back to me by Friday.” That will get you either an embarrassed or defensive response. Instead, depending on the matter and the person, get to the point of the call and ignore the missed timetable, take responsibility for needing to know an answer or even use humor.

In Jill’s case, after an anxious week-end, she finally made “The Call” Monday afternoon. After some coaching she said, “Hi, I wanted to touch base with you and see where we are? Is there any additional information you need from me or anything I can do from my end?” The response, “Oh Jill, I am so glad you called, I could not get all our decision makers together on Friday, and I was going to call you later this afternoon.”

Please share your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." This wise saying, by Lao Tzu, caught my eye in a charming gift shop in Maine. The message is not new. Albert Einstein expressed it, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

In our day to day lives, many of us are stuck. Whether it is our relationships, jobs or even our weight, we are frustrated that “they” do not change. Yet, we continue to head in the same direction and do the same things!

Maybe it’s time to accept the truth, that some things, despite our complaints, we simply do not want to change. For others, maybe it’s time to gather the courage and change direction.

Laura@realwomenwin.com

I was in the midst of a presentation on the importance of networking and rainmaking to a group of graduate students. They hung on every word, filled with both fear and anticipation, as they contemplated entering the workforce. As we were delineating various techniques for relationship building, an ambitious young woman raised her hand and innocently asked, “What if I don’t play golf?”

It is true. Golf is the stereotypical networking tool. We’ve all heard the cliché, “Business happens on the golf course.” However, the key to effective networking and rainmaking is developing real and honest connections. By building authentic relationships, business will naturally flow. You cannot fake the ability to play golf. So, if this is not your sport, why put yourself in the position of being a golfing imposter? What do we non-golfers do? Be real. If you want to play in the golfing venue, you can acknowledge that you are a new player and organize a clinic for other non-golfing potential clients. Equally effective, you can create other opportunities for networking in genres that fit your personality.

Some alternatives:
• Museum and gallery tours
• Spa days
• Small lunches or diners for strategic attendees
• Theatre, lectures or events
• Visits to wineries, historical landmarks or other interesting sites

In short, the key is creating a venue that allows you to be real and connect with perspective or existing clients in a natural and authentic manner.

What is your favorite networking venue? I would love to hear: laura@realwomenwin.com

A common and effective fundraising tool is holding an event to attract both existing and potential contributors.

Quite often, a prominent speaker or entertainer is selected that will hopefully “draw” a crowd to the event. The “draw” may be a musician, comedian, rock group, speaker, writer or high level official. In other words, the “draw” is someone or something that will motivate people to buy tickets and attend.

Based on the budget for the event, ticket prices are set. Frequently, there are special or VIP tickets. These tickets usually cost substantially more than general admission seats and entitle the bearer to attend a “private” event with the “draw.” At these private, pre or post functions, there is often “upscale” food and beverage. There is also the opportunity to network with a small, influential group of attendees.

Much too often, at the VIP events, women are conspicuous by their absence. Unless it is an event that is strictly geared to women, we do not come out in force and show our support. Perhaps it is because they are usually held in the evening; where other responsibilities prohibit us from attending. Perhaps it is because we cannot fathom or justify spending large sums for a VIP ticket rather than the more modest general admission price.

Whatever the justification, we need to be seen as players. We need to be seen as equals. We need to represent ourselves. We need to be perceived as powerful. We need to attend the VIP event. In developing your marketing and networking budget, allow yourself the option to attend some of these events. Sometimes part of the cost may be written off. Other times, employers may pay or subsidize the ticket. The bottom line is that the cost of not attending may outweigh the hefty ticket price.

Do you attend these events? Please send me your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com.

Without labeling it as such, you have probably already formed a strategic alliance. For example, you’re hosting Thanksgiving and rather than doing all the cooking, decorations, etc. by yourself, you partner with other friends and family. Aunt Martha will bring her stuffing. Your sister, not the world’s best cook, is bringing wine. In short, each person will bring to the table her specific expertise so that the whole is greater than the parts.

Forming partnerships or alliances to achieve common goals is an excellent and frequently overlooked tool. While obviously not applicable to every situation, we can often join forces and increase desired results. For example, you want to exhibit your product at a trade show, convention or exhibition. The cost of buying space on your own is prohibitive. You reach out to another vendor who has a complimentary, but not competitive, product. More specifically, if you are a corporate coach you might share space with someone who provides contact management software.

On a larger scale, strategic alliances lead to partnerships, mergers and acquisitions. The advantages include economy of scale, access to resources and increased market share. However, before entering into a new relationship, you must consider possible obstacles like questions of control, the personalities of key players and diverse cultures.

The important factor is to think “out of the box” and consider whether there is an individual or entity that you can work with to achieve mutually beneficial results. As women, we are too often reluctant to venture out of our safety zone and seek out potential, new relationships.

Please share your alliances: laura@realwomenwin.com

Where is the line that separates bragging from marketing? It is essential to promote our business or philanthropic causes. Yet, we often stay far to the left of the nebulous line as we dread being viewed as egotistical or arrogant.

Our fear of narcissistic labels may actually harm our professional goals. By veering away from utilizing positive adjectives, we are left with bland descriptions. Who wants to purchase mediocrity? No one wants to buy an average widget. They want an awesome one!

Creating a buzz for your services is terrific! Garnering enthusiasm and hype for your new product is great! As long as you deliver, and do not oversell, you will retain your reputation for integrity.

To stay clear of the negative “bragging” label, do not promote yourself; but, rather, the product or service you provide. In other words, you do not want to say, “I am the best accountant.” Instead, “We are proud of our reputation for outstanding accounting services.”

If you pride yourself on excellence, do not keep it a secret. Share your high standards and create a demand!

How do you promote? laura@realwomenwin.com

Remember the words to that old childhood song? It goes something like, “Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.” Sometimes we forget this message when dealing with clients. We are so focused on searching for that new client—that we easily become distracted and forget about the old, the “gold.”

There is no shortage of excuses for not getting in touch with existing clients. The most common ones, I hear, are:
• If they needed anything, they would have called me.
• I don’t have anything to say—why call.
• I do not want to annoy them.
• I do not have time for this.

We are missing a tremendous business opportunity, when we do not check in with existing clients. Of course, we do not want to be obtrusive, and call too often. An easy way to avoiding this fear is simply asking, “Do you mind if I check in with you every few months?” Or, whatever is a reasonable time table for your product or business.

When you “touch base” and sincerely show you care about your client, you are rendering great customer service and showing professionalism-- two integral qualities for referrals. You are also providing an opportunity to reassess their needs and potentially add products and services.

So, make new clients—but, keep the old!

What are your retention techniques? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

You know how it goes. You’re getting ready for that “important” meeting. What should you wear—how should you appear? There is that bothersome voice whispering, “How should a (fill in the blank) lawyer, business women, consultant, etc look and act?” We try and conform to our guess of “their” expectation of how someone from our profession behaves and appears.

It is a rather ridiculous exercise—trying to anticipate the expectations of someone else. Just be yourself. Show your true personality and strengths. Of course, you will appear professional enough so as to not detract from your expertise. You are not going to show up wearing a ridiculous outfit and you are not going to act in an obnoxious or outrageous manner.

By playing a part, you make it extremely difficult to connect to your audience in an authentic way so as to form real, lasting relationships. Bottom line, your mother was right—be yourself!

If you do not trust that your self is strong and sufficient enough to get the job done—we have a bigger issue!

Thank you for your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

Let’s be honest. All we really want to do at the end of a long, stressful day is go home, put on our pajamas and be left alone. Conversely, the last thing we want to do is go to a meeting or event in our, by now often uncomfortable, work attire to meet and mingle. Understandably, therefore, we often miss the “optional” evening networking events, fund raisers, etc. We’re tired. We do not want to have to put on our social face to go “see and be seen.”

Do it anyway. What better way to build your potential client or donor base? You are the best voice for your product, service or philanthropic cause. Your passion and conviction is what sells. Getting yourself in front of people is how you get known! It is how your build trust, confidence and passion. This is what builds relationships and clients.

So, how do you motivate yourself to go? My best tool is denial. I simply do not let myself focus on what I have to do or where I need to go at the end of the day. If I dwell or obsess over it, I will undoubtedly come up with a reasonable justification to let myself off the hook. In other words, I simply show up. The irony---95% of the time I end up having fun and meeting new and interesting people!

How do you get yourself to show up? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

Ego deflating language is communication that serves to elevate the communicator while diminishing the receiver. While often innocent on the surface, the message may be quite destructive. Some examples of common ego deflating techniques include:

1. Intimidation: Describing an action or accomplishment in a manner that makes it appear beyond your ability.
2. One Upsmanship: After you convey a story, proceeding to tell you something or someone that had it worse or did it better.
3. Judging: Statements put in a manner to demonstrate that you are just not quite up to par.
4. Intellectualizing: Using language or metaphors that are beyond normal comprehension.
5. Branding: The importance of labels is exaggerated. Everything from cars to clothing must carry an appropriate trademark.

While we may have to deal with the ego deflators in our lives, we can certainly be cognizant of our own behavior to make sure that we are not guilty!

What ego deflating language have you experienced? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

I am dismayed to see so many women dependant on external verification for validation of their value in the work place. Time and again, I hear women interpret a lack of compliments and positive reinforcement from employers as a negative reflection on their work. They fall into a downward spiral, feeling inadequate and unappreciated. Too often, unable to handle self imposed negative feelings, they quit their job as an offensive measure to prevent detrimental evaluations or firing.

Yes, our families and girl friends are great at bolstering our egos. That’s why we choose and need one another. But, we must grow up. The world does not work like this and we must quit interpreting the lack of positive feedback as negative feedback. Your employer is not your mother. They are not judging and commenting on everything you do. If they are unhappy, you will find out. If we spent as much time worrying about what are bosses are thinking, and, instead focused on producing the best result possible, we would be much better off.

You know when you’ve done a good job. Give yourself credit and move on. Yes, no one is denying that compliments feel good. And, yes, many of our superiors could and should learn how to freely give positive feedback. Nevertheless, we must stop personalizing non-responsiveness. Likewise, we must stop looking inwards when our employers are angry, depressed, or in a general state of agitation. Their reactions could emanate from a variety of sources, usually themselves or other issues---it’s not always about you!

Do your best work. Make time for periodic evaluations. Trust in these and in your instincts and quit analyzing every comment and gesture!

Do you berate yourself based on lack of reinforcement? laura@realwomenwin.com

You’re meeting someone for coffee, lunch, or a drink. Each of you sits down and places your cell phone on the table so that you can monitor calls and messages. A suggestion, say to your companion, “Excuse me while I turn off my phone.” Then put your phone out of sight.

What a powerful message you send by this thoughtful action. In effect, you have communicated, “I want to spend the next hour giving you my undivided attention. For the time that we are together, there is nothing more important to me than what you are saying.”

We can all survive, for a short time, without obsessive surveillance for possible outside communication. If you must make an exception because there really is a pending emergency, (waiting for the results of a recent blood test, or your child is driving on her own for the first time), a nice way to handle this is, “I apologize, but I am going to keep my phone on only because I am waiting for a call from my doctor. Of course, I will ignore all other calls and texts.”

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

We take our work seriously. We scrupulously check and double check our facts before submitting reports. We try to stay abreast of industry changes. Despite our best attempts, questions and situations will arise where we simply do not know the answer.

It’s ok. We are not expected, or should not be expected, to know everything. As women, we are exceedingly harsh in reprimanding ourselves when caught not knowing. We internally chastise ourselves for our ignorance and allow inner insecurities to surface. This perceived lack of control may lead to anxiety and keep us from accepting additional responsibilities and promotions.

There is no way to comfortably accelerate your career trajectory, if you have the compulsive/neurotic need to personally know all information. Some situations, call for the ability to delegate and rely on competent co-workers. Others compel you to research outside sources to obtain the needed information. It is not the unknowing that matters, but the ability to gracefully and confidently say, “I don’t know but will find out.”

It also helps to anticipate questions by asking yourself, “If I were supervising this matter, what are the critical elements that I would want to understand.” Make sure you have answers for such questions, and confidently go forth!

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

It happened again. I’m part of a group of about 75 people. An e-mail was sent out by our president, congratulating one of our members on a recent accomplishment. The praise was well deserved and appropriate. What was not appropriate, and frankly annoying, is my receiving copies of the 74 other members’ e-mails, echoing the original congratulatory message.

We must stop and think before we automatically hit “reply all” in response to an e-mail. More often than not, everyone on the list does not need to read everyone else’s agreement on the initial congratulatory message. If we feel the need to add our own congratulations, we should send it directly to the member, in other words, we can REPLY ONLY to her.

Likewise, if we wish to voice an opinion on an e-mail author’s sentiments, we may go ahead and do it, but, we must first consider whether the other 75 people on the list need to know our feelings. Oftentimes, by taking just a few seconds, we can distinguish and direct our remarks JUST to those who may be impacted by our reply.

We are all inundated with electronic communications. Let’s make a conscious effort to diminish these intrusions wherever possible and appropriate.

Laura@RealWomenWin.com #bereal