It was my first time in Israel.  Each morning I awoke and gazed out of the hotel window overcome with emotions and filled with an intense sense of wonderment.  Abraham, our guide, met us daily to escort us through days filled with a poignancy that captured my soul.  I was not prepared for the intensity of my emotions, triggered by witnessing thousands of years of turbulent history.

It was our last day with Abraham.  He arrived early, filled with an uncontained passion and exuberance for his task: to give us as much of Israel as possible in the short time we had remaining.   "Today is National Ice cream for breakfast day!  Let’s have ice cream for breakfast!" he exclaimed.

 Ice cream for breakfast, a concept so totally appealing, has never before occurred to me.  “Yes, ice cream for breakfast."  We rejoiced. It felt so right.  It felt so good.

Spending those days with Abraham, I had observed his total, unabashed joy and skill of living in the moment.  As an Israeli, Abraham relished the gift of a day, an hour, a minute.  He knew too well the fragility of life.  He cherished what mattered and disregarded the rest. 

He understood that too much of our life is dedicated to the blind adherence of unwritten rules.   While some of this dictum may make sense, our reluctance to question is startling.  Does questioning even occur to us?  Or, on the contrary, do we consider challenging the status quo, but are so afraid of being judged that we cowardly retreat? 

Spending these days with Abraham, I was overwhelmed,  learning so much about my history.  I was transformed,  learning to honor my present.

I have just returned from an amazing 3 weeks in Asia. As jet lag recedes, I can begin reflecting on this remarkable experience. I had a chance to witness the juxtaposition of the very new amidst the very old. In Shanghai and Hong Kong, I was awed by the architecture and rapid construction of towering buildings. Surrounded by mammoth edifices and frenzied activity, I felt like I was from “Mayberry.” On the other hand, in places like Kyoto and Nara, I felt the tranquility of the beauty of ancient shrines and temples. I was soothed by the simplicity of a tea ceremony and the grace of a Geisha. I lit incense and sipped Saki.

In the towns and cities we visited, I had the privilege of meeting local residents. I was introduced to different governments, cultures, histories and traditions. I was exposed to different foods, drinks (like snakes in jars of alcohol) and clothing. I observed different rituals and listened to different belief systems.

Yet, the sameness of our humanness far surpassed the strangeness of the places. I felt the delight of mothers smiling at their toddlers' antics. I felt the pride of parents witnessing the marriage of their children and I felt the anguish of those on their knees, praying for sick loved ones. Best of all I shared laughter. Sometimes, laughter that brought us to tears, like when a local woman tried showing me how to squat at the hole in the ground they call a toilet.

We love for our families, worry for our futures, cherish our health and pray for our people. We want to find meaning and purpose in what we do. We want to feel pride in who we are. We are all the same much more than we are different.

“I’m sure they felt they had to invite me to this party. They will probably be relieved if I don’t go.”

“I can’t believe she did not acknowledge me. I must not be important enough.”

“I knew I should not have worn this dress, now everyone thinks I look awful.”

“I can’t believe I said that. The words just came out of my mouth. What are people thinking?”

“Everyone else seems to know one another—I just do not belong.”

“I have nothing interesting to add to conversations, they probably think I’m boring.”

“I must be an awful mother; everyone else’s kids seem so accomplished.”

Do any of these negative messages sound familiar? Sometimes, such thoughts are so fleeting; we do not even realize they exist. Yet, if we pay careful attention to our feelings, we can detect destructive and damaging internal messages.

On the one hand, we know such thinking is ridiculous; we are adults and should be way past worrying about other peoples’ perceptions. We should have learned by now, that people are thinking about themselves, not about us. On the other hand, our childhood insecurities seem to defy logic and rear their ugly heads.

We must stop sabotaging our self confidence. By being cognizant of negative self messaging, we can identify harmful thoughts and stop them in their tracks! Increased awareness will help us to recognize diminishing self judgments and either stop them or replace them with positive messaging.

Dear Graduate:

You did it. Four years of hard work and study are over. Your family came and sat for hours in various climates anxiously waiting for their 30ish seconds to witness your walk across the platform, the handshake and receipt of your diploma. Their hearts swelled with pride and their eyes filled with tears as they regaled in your accomplishment.

There were parties and dinners, laughter and tears. Four years of possessions were gathered up for transit. Four years of friendships were memorialized with emotion. For some, the next step of your journey is mapped out, you will continue directly to graduate schools or jobs. For many, for the first time in your life, you will proceed to the unknown.
Your graduation comes at a time of historic economic challenges. Your job search will require courage, motivation and persistence in a time when you are vulnerable, overwhelmed and scared. Searching for shelter, uninvited inquires from loved family and friends invade your space with The Question, “So, what are you going to do?” How you wish you could give them an answer.

Whatever our age, whatever our stage, the unknown is a powerful enemy. We hate limbo. Yet, you will survive—you will thrive. In fact, learning to live and endure without answers is an integral life skill that will serve you well.

Enjoy this moment. Explore many options. This too will pass—it is time limited.

Next week’s blog will give you some specific steps to help in your search.

I would love to hear your comments. Please e-mail me: laura@realwomenwin.com

7. Know your competition. The actual companies as well as the key players--you never know when opportunities may occur.

8. Maintain a stellar personal reputation--honesty, integrity and excellence. You can not buy a reputation. Once soiled it is difficult to repair.

9. Exude confidence.

10. People are people. Whether they are your co-workers, bosses, clients or employees, you need to connect. Once you obtain their respect and loyalty, they will move mountains to help you.

Please share your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com

I pray that you never equate the amount of time I spend with you,
to the amount of love I have for you.

I pray that you never miss the gift of homemade brownies or hand sown costumes,
but, accept the gift of unlimited possibilities.

I pray you never feel neglected when I don’t oversee your homework,
but, learn, on your own, how to oversee your life.

I pray you understand that while I am attending to hundreds of other matters,
nothing ever matters as much as you.

I pray my choice gives you permission to lead your own life to the fullest,
and not fill your life trying to meet the choices of others.

I pray you learn that you can love someone totally and completely,
yet, also love yourself.

Most of all,
I pray that I am right.


I love to hear your thoughts! laura@realwomenwin.com

“Can you believe that e-mail? Oh, you didn’t see it yet. Let me forward it to you!” On and on she goes. The longer she talks, the more animated she becomes: The Drama Queen. There is probably one in your office. She vigilantly scans her environment, desperately seeking a perceived injustice or piece of gossip to sink her teeth into and demonstrate her outrage.

Her emotional roller coaster is often entertaining. She has the ability to seduce non suspecting victims into her tangled web of hysteria. She is never boring, in fact quite passionate, as she broadcasts the latest evil to anyone who will listen.

Beware of The Drama Queen. Do not be seduced by her innocent façade. She will pull you down and even possibly damage your chances for career advancement.

Employers want people they can count on. They look to maintain equilibrium in the office environment. They look to enhance productivity. They look to promote thoughtful, rational decision makers. The antics of the drama queen are diametrically opposed to these goals.

Next: Are you a Drama Queen?

I love reading your comments: Laura@realwomenwin.com

It feels like it’s has always been present, a fixed appendage to our soul. It molds to the current, but ever changing context, dependant on existential as well as internal variables.

The Bad Thing. Unannounced, it makes its presence known, invading our thoughts, trespassing on our peace, insisting we pay homage. It is never static, but always on the lookout for vulnerable territory. “Is my child safe driving home from the party?” “Did my husband’s plane land safely?” “Did my mother take her medicine?”

The moment reality takes away its power, The Bad Thing simply packs up and moves to a new, defenseless residence. “Is my job safe?” “Does my boss like me?” “Was my presentation convincing?” “Will my promotion come through?”

And, when the world defies its premonitions, The Bad Thing, may simply overtake our essential core with the final, all encompassing question, “Am I good enough?”

Share your Bad Thing: laura@realwomenwin.com

For some unexpected reason, maybe an appointment cancels or there is a schedule change, we suddenly find ourselves with an open block of time. As this foreign concept registers, our minds scan through the myriad of items on our “To Do List.” “I need to finish that report. I need to read through the new insurance policy. I need to take my car in for an oil change. I need to make calls in preparation for the upcoming meeting.” The operative word, “need to” indicates the task is on the “To Do List.”

It seems almost impossible to remember the mere act of “being” or just enjoying is “productive.” When the “To Do List” is endless, it is exceedingly difficult to give ourselves permission to check out. We disregard the hedonistic call of pleasures past.

As “frivolous’ thoughts pass through our minds, “Wouldn’t it be fun to bake a wonderful, rich dessert?” Or, “Maybe I can finish reading my superficial, trashy novel?” Quickly,often with outrage, the frivolity is rejected.

We must make a concerted effort to remind ourselves: there is no richer pursuit than to experience pure joy. Liberated, we may even succumb to the pleasure.

Please share your frivolous interludes: laura@realwomenwin.com

“So how was your week-end?” I innocently asked the first person I ran into this morning. “Well, we had so much to do around the house; I didn’t have a moment to relax,” she complained. On to the next women, “So, I hope you had a great week-end?” I tried again. “It is so hectic getting the kids ready for school, I never stopped!” was her exasperated reply.

And so it goes. You get the point. Everybody shared the burden of their life. Between work, school, kids, parents, houses and the holidays, do we even consider just having fun? And, if we actually did indulge ourselves and just relax and enjoy, doing nothing “productive”, how dare we share this information?

Yes, as women, we have a tremendous amount of responsibility. We also have responsibility for ourselves. What is wrong with having fun or doing nothing? Why do we need to justify our existence by constantly advertising the weight of our burdens?

No one is disagreeing; we must take care of our family, community and work related responsibility. We also must take time for ourselves. What if, in the end, who ever had the most fun wins?

Do you allow yourself to just have fun? Laura@realwomenwin.com

Since my granddaughters birth, I have fantasized sharing my love of the beach with her. As she was almost 3 years old, it was our time.

Finally perfecting the fine art of carrying her on one hip while simultaneously dragging assorted buckets, shovels, water bottles, and lotions, we were ready for our journey. It was a brutally hot day marked by high humidity and a raging sun. I patiently explained to her that we would set up our belongings as close to the water as possible so as to take advantage of the breeze.

My first encounter with her reality, “No!” she commanded. “I don’t want to be close to the water. Let’s stay right here!” Wanting to make this experience positive and memorable, I gave in and we set roots in the blazing sun, the water a distant marker.

Our chairs set and our toys spread out, at last we were ready to settle in and experience the surroundings. “Let’s look for sea shells!” I suggested. Unfortunately, in our immediate vicinity, only small broken pieces were to be found. “I know,” I tried again, mustering as much enthusiasm as possible, “let’s build sand castles!” She agreed. The first obstacle was getting some water in the plastic castle shaped bucket. She refused to accompany me to the sea. Afraid to leave her alone, I walked backwards, my eyes never leaving her, as I quickly filled the bucket with water.

Back to our spot, I added the sand. Carefully, I tipped it upside down and told her to count to five and a castle would appear! She followed my instructions and we both held our breath, as I gingerly lifted the plastic castle. It crumbled.

Enter the uber grandmother. She must have been watching us for quite a while, most likely trying to hide her laughter. No longer able to contain herself, she approached our space. Holding a magnificent sea shell as an appropriate bribe, she began, “Do you want to see this beautiful shell?” It worked. Before I knew it, my precious cherub, had moved to the uber grandmother’s blanket, mesmerized by her extensive collection of unbroken shells.

But, that wasn’t enough. Before I could register what was happening, the uber grandmother began building not just a sand castle, but a town. “Bubbie, come here with us!” at least there was some loyalty. Reluctantly, I moved my chair and relinquished control to the uber grandmother.

I love your comments! Please send them to: Laura@realwomenwin.com.

This week my father turns 80. To memorialize the occasion all of his offspring will gather together for a two night celebration.

As the day gets closer, our panic escalates as we try to figure out how to best commemorate this milestone. In our desperate search-- ideas are quickly rejected. How can any gift, toast or party begin to express our love, respect and gratitude?

He personifies the best of “old fashioned values.” With a quiet yet sardonic nature, his actions always speak louder than his words. By way of example, he has taught us:

• There are no limits when reaching for your dreams.
• When you have an employer—your value must exceed your paycheck.
• There is no room for entitlement. You are never too important to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, or make the coffee.
• Go out of your way to make your fellow man’s lot easier.
• You must be able to add, subtract, divide, and multiply---in your head.
• Look at life’s challenges as ripe material for laughter; people are funny.
• Take what life gives you and make the best of it.
• Do not honor titles or positions. Honor character, goodness, hard work, and wisdom.
• Your word is sacred.
• Take pride in your possessions.
• Under all circumstances, you must be loyal to your spouse.
• There is no room for excuses or bull s---.
• You follow the above advice because it is the right thing to do---not to let others know you are right.

Finally, we conclude that there is not a single act or gesture that can adequately express our appreciation. So, we will hope that our presence will be present enough. As we anxiously await the day, we are filled with deep gratitude that this man is our patriarch. We are filled with deep joy that we are all able to celebrate together as family. We are also filled with that secret fear that no one dare articulate, “Please let there be many, many more birthdays.”

I was in the midst of a presentation on the importance of networking and rainmaking to a group of graduate students. They hung on every word, filled with both fear and anticipation, as they contemplated entering the workforce. As we were delineating various techniques for relationship building, an ambitious young woman raised her hand and innocently asked, “What if I don’t play golf?”

It is true. Golf is the stereotypical networking tool. We’ve all heard the cliché, “Business happens on the golf course.” However, the key to effective networking and rainmaking is developing real and honest connections. By building authentic relationships, business will naturally flow. You cannot fake the ability to play golf. So, if this is not your sport, why put yourself in the position of being a golfing imposter? What do we non-golfers do? Be real. If you want to play in the golfing venue, you can acknowledge that you are a new player and organize a clinic for other non-golfing potential clients. Equally effective, you can create other opportunities for networking in genres that fit your personality.

Some alternatives:
• Museum and gallery tours
• Spa days
• Small lunches or diners for strategic attendees
• Theatre, lectures or events
• Visits to wineries, historical landmarks or other interesting sites

In short, the key is creating a venue that allows you to be real and connect with perspective or existing clients in a natural and authentic manner.

What is your favorite networking venue? I would love to hear: laura@realwomenwin.com

Terry gave a beautiful dinner party. From the flowers to the wine, it was evident she put a lot of effort and thought into every detail. When her friends complimented her on the extraordinary evening, Terry replied, “Oh, it was nothing. I had a lot of help.”

Jennifer gave an outstanding presentation to the marketing department of her company. It was obvious she did a significant amount of research and came up with some noteworthy conclusions. With precision and confidence, she presented her findings in a user friendly format. Later, when her supervisor passed on the great feedback, she retorted, “Oh, all I did was tweak an old presentation, it was no big deal.”

Why do we discount our work and our efforts? Are we trying to be modest? Do we think it makes us look even better if we show that we achieved great results without effort? Or, do we not want to admit we cared enough to put in the time and energy?

We must own our accomplishments! It is ok to be proud! Maybe we are so accustomed to discounting compliments, we don’t even remember how to accept credit. Try something like, “Thank you, I am thrilled that it came out the way I hoped it would.”

Do you discount compliments? laura@realwomenwin.com

It was a perfect winter day at the beach. The sky was as blue as the water; the air was crisp and inviting. The birds were happily chirping; the sun brightly shining. Looking out my window, I couldn’t wait to take my iPod and go down for an exhilarating walk.

Reaching the beach, I soon saw that the sand dunes were huge. Standing upright, they almost reached my shoulders. I was not sure how to navigate my way down to the flat sand. Using a little ingenuity, I sat on my butt and slid down the sandy slope. The effort was worthwhile, the beach was just spectacular. Turning my music on and singing out loud, I had the potential for a glorious walk.

Only 5 minutes into the journey, an unwelcome thought intruded into my blissful peace, “How was I going to climb back up over the almost 5 foot sand dune?” The further I walked, the greater my angst. “How stupid that I didn’t bring my phone,” I chastised myself. “What if I get stuck out here?” I obsessed. “How long will it take until someone sees me?" I continued ruminating as the panic escalated. Instead of staying focused on the magnificent moment, I was completely stuck, fretting over my return. I allowed the possible obstacle of climbing back over the dune ruin the immediate experience.

When it was time to return, I simply put a foot in the sand and then my hands. Basically I crawled up the dune in about 2 minutes.

How many other moments have I missed while hypothesizing over potential future obstacles? What a waste.

How have your “obstacles” interfered with your present? laura@realwomenwin.com

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” (William Shedd.) When is it time to leave the safety of our self made harbor and move out to sea? When is it time to make a change? What is keeping us from sailing?

When honest with ourselves, we know when it’s time. Maybe we dread Monday mornings, as our career is sinking into a deepening hole. Perhaps it is a relationship that has become detrimental to our wellbeing. Maybe it is our week-ends that have become predictable and boring. Maybe it is our life that has become predictable and boring.

What moves us out to sea? What is the impetus that allows us to take a risk and make a change? Sometimes it is the realization that time is passing quickly and we are not maximizing precious gifts. Sometimes it is the realization that there has to be more—we are observing rather than experiencing. Sometimes, it is a single event that puts us over the edge and magnifies the intolerable.

The fear of the unknown is a powerful force that oftentimes keeps us complacent. We know what we have—it feels terrifying to cross the abyss to the unknown. The most frightening part is the transition itself. Once we are comfortably out to sea, the anxiety subsides. It is the thought of pulling up anchor and setting sail that causes trepidation.

Next time: Tips for dealing with the transition. I love reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com

Congratulations! You finally closed your eyes, held your breath and jumped. You left the safety and security of the past and are now on your way to your future. Now, to make your new dreams a reality you must navigate through the unsettling space called transition. How do you keep your emotions intact while it feels as if you are free falling during the interim?

1. Perspective – The old adage is true, “This too shall pass.” Ground yourself by remembering that this is but a blip in the screen of your life. Do not become submerged in the transition itself. This is merely a means to an end.

2. Resilience - Remember where you are headed and why you made the decision to move on. It is helpful to write down your impetus for making a change and what your hopes are for the future. When moments of inner turmoil strike, refer to these notes for inspiration. Also, look at past transitions and reaffirm your inner strength.

3. Distraction – During this unsettling time do whatever possible to reach your new goal. However, there will be unavoidable downtime ---fodder for obsession. Do not fall into the trap. Find ways to distract yourself like exercise, hobbies or new personal goals. For example, a friend of mine trained for a half marathon. This allowed her to channel her stress in a productive manner.

4. Determination – Once you have made the leap, quit looking back and questioning. Your have moved on to achieving new heights and satisfaction! Focus your thoughts on where you are going, not where you have been. Visualize your new goal and go for it with strength and determination.

How did you survive transition? laura@realwomenwin.com

Dear Laura:

I have had some time to read realwomenwin.com today. I just wanted to let you know I have been thinking a lot about your writing. I think the aspect of change and the fear that ensues, the knowledge that we need to do something differently but our inability to take action, is all very powerful stuff. I see after reading the second paragraph of "risk-taking," just how scary it can be to make big changes to our seemingly comfortable lives.

Sometimes, though, what is comfortable is not what is best for us. While I see that now, it isn't until I have come out on the other side of making changes that I can know this is true. I think this has a lot to do with what you call the "fear of the unknown ". Until we know something, we think we know it and cause ourselves to stress about how bad it is going to be, or worry about how we won't be good enough at it, or the millions of other excuses we give ourselves to remain imprisoned by our current situations.

We cannot think our way into action. We must DO in order to see the difference.

Thank you for giving me the push to “DO”.

Fondly,

“Tammy"

Please continue to share your thoughts! laura@realwomenwin.com

Mom Fell.

She tripped and fractured her pelvic bone. The ambulance took her to the emergency room of the nearest hospital, where she was admitted for a few nights and later transferred for a couple of weeks to a rehab facility. We are thankful. It will heal. She will be alright.

Friends and family call with concern. We assure them. “It will heal. She will be alright.” We then politely inquire about their families, their holidays.

Yes, it will be alright. “This too shall pass.” Yet, it is not alright. After over 35 years of making the annual trek up north for Thanksgiving—this year they were not here. Using all coping mechanisms available, denial, justification, etc. etc, the fact still remains—my parents are getting older. They are vulnerable.

I have shared the emotions of friends going through similar and far worse situations. They try to be strong as they travel with their mothers and fathers through illnesses, fractures and loss. I am empathetic. I really do feel their pain. I knew one day it would be our turn. I just wasn’t ready.

laura@realwomenwin.com

Where is the line that separates bragging from marketing? It is essential to promote our business or philanthropic causes. Yet, we often stay far to the left of the nebulous line as we dread being viewed as egotistical or arrogant.

Our fear of narcissistic labels may actually harm our professional goals. By veering away from utilizing positive adjectives, we are left with bland descriptions. Who wants to purchase mediocrity? No one wants to buy an average widget. They want an awesome one!

Creating a buzz for your services is terrific! Garnering enthusiasm and hype for your new product is great! As long as you deliver, and do not oversell, you will retain your reputation for integrity.

To stay clear of the negative “bragging” label, do not promote yourself; but, rather, the product or service you provide. In other words, you do not want to say, “I am the best accountant.” Instead, “We are proud of our reputation for outstanding accounting services.”

If you pride yourself on excellence, do not keep it a secret. Share your high standards and create a demand!

How do you promote? laura@realwomenwin.com

“So, did you make any resolutions this year?” was the question. The answer-- “No.” The deliberate inaction usually followed by an untenable justification. “I do not need to wait for New Year’s to make a resolution.” Or, “Yes, it’s always the same every year---diet and exercise.” In other words, no. There’s also, “What’s the point? I always break them anyway.”

Socrates, in his infinite wisdom proclaimed, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” Why not take the opportunity to really think about our lives and try to decipher a way to enrich the experience? What is wrong with trying to be a better person? What does it hurt to permit ourselves more joy? What could possibly be wrong with deepening our knowledge? What’s the problem with expanding our relationships? How can it be bad to be more empathetic or understanding? How can we not try and be less judgmental? Why not attempt to live more in the moment?

Yes, it is a forced commitment, marked by the date on a calendar. But, so what? It is an opportunity to grow. Yes, I can always diet better (much better) and exercise more (much more). However, I will choose self examination and real, enriching goals.

So, what is your New Year’s resolution? laura@realwomenwin.com

Even if we have looked at all sides of the problem, ad nauseam, a good friend will listen, as if it is the very first time. She will not roll her eyes and judge. She will help us go over all sides of an issue and try to understand what is really going on. She will allow us to process, for as long as necessary, asking probing questions, when warranted.

She intuitively understands that we are not always looking for a solution, but often need to have the opportunity to just “get it out of our system.” Sometimes, we need to verbally deal, before moving on. She gets it.

She also knows, at some point, that it is time to gently nudge us on towards resolution.

I love hearing your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

You know how it goes. You’re getting ready for that “important” meeting. What should you wear—how should you appear? There is that bothersome voice whispering, “How should a (fill in the blank) lawyer, business women, consultant, etc look and act?” We try and conform to our guess of “their” expectation of how someone from our profession behaves and appears.

It is a rather ridiculous exercise—trying to anticipate the expectations of someone else. Just be yourself. Show your true personality and strengths. Of course, you will appear professional enough so as to not detract from your expertise. You are not going to show up wearing a ridiculous outfit and you are not going to act in an obnoxious or outrageous manner.

By playing a part, you make it extremely difficult to connect to your audience in an authentic way so as to form real, lasting relationships. Bottom line, your mother was right—be yourself!

If you do not trust that your self is strong and sufficient enough to get the job done—we have a bigger issue!

Thank you for your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

It was a typical Sunday morning, my husband commenting on a wide array of articles as he works his way through the piles of newspapers. “Oh no!” he suddenly exclaims. “I can’t believe Charlie passed away,” he continues. “Who is Charlie?” I question. “He’s a guy I used to work with and he’s not much older than me. I haven’t seen him in years. I can’t believe he’s gone.”

And, here we go again. Mortality slaps us in the face. We feel the grief and the sadness for Charlie’s family. We also feel time evaporating before our eyes. As we experience the loss of yet another peer, we once again vow to maximize the moment. We chastise ourselves for getting aggravated by the “small stuff.” We renew our vow, “If it is not going to matter in six months---don’t let it matter now.”

With new resolve we affirm that we will maintain a positive attitude. We will bask in gratitude for the many pleasures and beauty in our lives. We will live in the moment. We will “smell the roses.” We really mean it. We are so blessed.

Then—the phone rings. Life goes on. We become immersed in the day's stuff. How quickly we forget----

How do you stay in the moment? laura@realwomenwin. #bereal.

I must share this moving response to our “Just Show Up” Blog:


“I have never been one for predestined days of celebration. I don't like the pressure that ensues, the anticipation to give love on Valentine's Day, to be thankful on Thanksgiving, hell, even just to show up at my grandmother's house for Rosh Hashanah dinner. For this reason, I always hated Superbowl Sunday. I grew up in an all female household, so I never quite connected with the sport on a personal level; I also was never a fan of wings, beer, and high fives, alienating me further from the football fanatics. The date always seemed to creep closer and closer to my birthday as the years went on, causing me to share my enthusiasm with the nationally declared holiday. This exuberance I should share with my country every year in early February has never made me feel a part of; rather, it always left me feeling quite alone.


I distinctly remember two Superbowls. The first is when I was thirteen. I went to a classmate's house to watch the game because the Ravens had made it to the finals. Being from Baltimore, everyone other than myself was so excited. The concentration on the TV screen kept the crowd from noticing the tears streaming down my face, tears that I shed for the loss of my father who I wished had given me an appreciation for the sport, tears for the thirteen year old boy sitting next to me who could have cared less if I was there or not, and tears for everyone's seeming enthusiasm which had absolutely nothing to do with me and my birthday's proximity. As the Ravens clenched the win, I vowed that Superbowl Sunday was and always would be the worst day of my life, as it exhibited the world's lack of recognition for the Great and Misunderstood Samantha Mehlman.


Nine years later in New York, I found myself dramatically locked in my apartment's bathroom clutching the toilet bowl. My boyfriend at the time sat silently outside watching the Giants and the Patriots rival for the trophy as I wept, refusing the budge from the floor. I did not want to meet friends at a local bar where I would not understand their cheers. I wanted to wallow. I felt the porcelain bathroom tiles shared my sentiment - they were cold and sterile, unlike the rest of America.


I have spent the past year trying to grow up and out of the desire to set myself apart from society. So when this year's Superbowl fell on February 6th, just two days before my birthday, it was a test of my growth and strength in this particular area of struggle. On February 3rd, just three days before the Superbowl, you posted an entry titled, "Just Show Up!" It is about denying the negativity of an obligation so as not to dwell on it. I took your advice and decided to plan myself a little birthday gathering prior to kickoff, so as not to set myself up for disappointment. Five of my best friends and I piled into a rental car and drove to Medieval Times in Lyndhurst, New Jersey, where we watched a reenactment of a Medieval jousting tournament. We cheered on the Yellow Knight, and though he didn't win we had a blast getting our hands dirty from the feast of Chicken and potatoes they served us without utensils to commemorate our trip back in time along with a slice of present day birthday cake in honor of my personal celebration. We were back in our respective apartments by 5:45 pm, and I was full, exhausted, and content. For the first time, it didn't matter to me that I had no interest in watching the game. I spent the day with caring friends who love me. I curled up on my couch with a book and my dog in my lap, and I was asleep before second half even started. As I turn 24 I feel a part of and even celebrated. The best part: I didn't have to watch even a minute of the Superbowl.”


Samantha

“Things are what they are. We cannot change the facts. The only thing we have any control over is what we tell ourselves about the facts.” While intellectually, we acknowledge this statement, emotionally it can be difficult to implement. Yet, when we learn this skill, it can change our lives.

A friend moved her nearly blind grandmother to a nursing home. When they arrived, my friend cringed at the small room, stained drapes and altogether depressing environment. Walking in and sitting down on the bed, her grandmother exclaimed, “What a nice place! I just love it!”

“Grandma, how can you say that? You can hardly see it.” My friend exclaimed. “Oh sweetheart, haven’t you learned, it is not about what the place looks like that matters. The only thing that counts is what we tell ourselves. And, I love it!”

How many times a day do we give ourselves negative messages? Before we can even intercede or acknowledge that WE are the source of the negativity, our self-imposed message becomes our reality. With practice and awareness, however, we can stop the negative messages before they become our truth, and replace them with a positive viewpoint.

It is difficult and takes a concerted effort. For example, the other day, I caught myself thinking, “Oh no, not more ice and snow. I hate being stuck inside.” Fortuitously, I caught myself, and replaced the thought with, “How beautiful, look at this unspoiled blanket of snow. It will allow me some time to catch up on paperwork.” Ok, I still hated being stuck—but at least my initial extreme negativity was modified!

I would love to hear how you refocus. laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

I want to believe that ego deflators are not out to maliciously diminish others. They simply have the need to make themselves appear larger by making us appear smaller. I also want to believe that they are not aware of the toxic nature of their words and manipulations. Through years of refinement, they have successfully assembled an arsenal of sophisticated ego shrinking techniques.

We can learn to shield ourselves from the damage of their words. It is simply a matter of not reinforcing their efforts; and, if worth the energy, letting them know we’re on to their strategy. The best technique, however, is just to remind ourselves that this is about them---not about us. It is so much easier not to play in a pitiful and potentially potent game.

We also must look at our own behavior to insure that, however innocently, we have not become an ego deflator. Next time we will illustrate superficially benign, yet truly lethal, ego deflating language.

Always love your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

Ego deflating language is communication that serves to elevate the communicator while diminishing the receiver. While often innocent on the surface, the message may be quite destructive. Some examples of common ego deflating techniques include:

1. Intimidation: Describing an action or accomplishment in a manner that makes it appear beyond your ability.
2. One Upsmanship: After you convey a story, proceeding to tell you something or someone that had it worse or did it better.
3. Judging: Statements put in a manner to demonstrate that you are just not quite up to par.
4. Intellectualizing: Using language or metaphors that are beyond normal comprehension.
5. Branding: The importance of labels is exaggerated. Everything from cars to clothing must carry an appropriate trademark.

While we may have to deal with the ego deflators in our lives, we can certainly be cognizant of our own behavior to make sure that we are not guilty!

What ego deflating language have you experienced? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

• It’s a rare woman who doesn’t stop and look-- when designer bags are on sale.

• Probably should not have gone shopping having just lost 5 pounds from the flu. Clothes fit great—but tight by the following day.

• Buying spurs buying.

• If shoes hurt in the store—they will hurt at home.

• If shoes are comfortable in the store—there is a 50/50 shot that they’ll be comfortable at home.

• I'm much more likely to buy a marginal item, if I'm already buying something else.

• Trust sales people who tell you something is not flattering.

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

I pray that you never equate the amount of time I spend with you,
to the amount of love I have for you.

I pray that you never miss the gift of homemade brownies or hand sown costumes,
but, accept the gift of unlimited possibilities.

I pray you never feel neglected when I don’t oversee your homework,
but, learn, on your own, how to oversee your life.

I pray you understand that while I am attending to hundreds of other matters,
nothing ever matters as much as you.

I pray my choice gives you permission to lead your own life to the fullest,
and not fill your life trying to meet the choices of others.

I pray you learn that you can love someone totally and completely,
yet, also love yourself.

Most of all,
I pray that I am right.


I love hearing your thoughts! laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

It happened again. We’re at dinner and a familiar face comes up and says, “Hi, do you know who I am? I bet you don’t remember my name?”

Why would someone say that? Why would they put me in a position where I either have to insult them or embarrass myself? Obviously, if I remembered their name, I would have said, “Hi, Sally!”

When placed in this awkward position, what can I do but attempt to gracefully let Sally know that while, at this moment I can’t bring up her name, of course, I remember her. “I’m so sorry, I know you, but just can’t place your name.” I feebly replied.

When you see an acquaintance it is lovely to say hello. Go up to them, extend your hand and say, “YOUR NAME--- it’s good to see you.” Then, it is really considerate to give them a frame of reference as to the context you know each other. For example, “I know it’s been a while since our boys played soccer, but it’s so nice to run into you again.”
If the person did not remember your name, you just saved them from embarrassment. If they did, they can reply, “Oh, (your name) how could I not remember you!

Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

“I’m ready to reinvent myself,” the latest proclamation for countless women.

Isn’t this typical? We need to rely on a socially acceptable term, “reinvention”, to justify the fact that we are bored or ready to move on. The mere reality that we no longer feel energized, validated or challenged is not, to our thinking, in and of itself sufficient grounds for change. Yet, once we couch these feelings with the “reinvention” label, we can, perhaps, proceed on a more enriching path.

At some point we must reach the conclusion and gain the confidence to see that we must answer only to ourselves. We must remove the guilt that comes attached to our perception that we are not meeting some ill-defined, outside expectation.

If defining discontent with the “reinvention” word enables us to move on and actualize our authentic selves, we should go ahead and use it. But, we must take a moment for some honest reflection and realize that life is but a journey and our ultimate responsibility is to realize our individually unique needs and passions.

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

We take our work seriously. We scrupulously check and double check our facts before submitting reports. We try to stay abreast of industry changes. Despite our best attempts, questions and situations will arise where we simply do not know the answer.

It’s ok. We are not expected, or should not be expected, to know everything. As women, we are exceedingly harsh in reprimanding ourselves when caught not knowing. We internally chastise ourselves for our ignorance and allow inner insecurities to surface. This perceived lack of control may lead to anxiety and keep us from accepting additional responsibilities and promotions.

There is no way to comfortably accelerate your career trajectory, if you have the compulsive/neurotic need to personally know all information. Some situations, call for the ability to delegate and rely on competent co-workers. Others compel you to research outside sources to obtain the needed information. It is not the unknowing that matters, but the ability to gracefully and confidently say, “I don’t know but will find out.”

It also helps to anticipate questions by asking yourself, “If I were supervising this matter, what are the critical elements that I would want to understand.” Make sure you have answers for such questions, and confidently go forth!

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

You said your good byes

As brave as you could or could not be

And you left

And your heart is empty

And you’ve memorized all the platitudes:

“You’re still her mother”

“Before you know it she’ll be home”

“Now it’s your time”

And still you grieve

And not just for the loss of your child

But, for the loss of part of your self—your purpose, your meaning

And for now you need to mourn and grieve and remember

And soon—the hole will fill

You will open your heart to new pleasures, new experiences, new meanings

And pride will overcome you

As you marvel at the adult that you raised.

A close friend was contemplating a difficult decision. She had been offered a new work opportunity. Unfortunately, the timing could not have been worse. She was in the midst of dealing with the failing health of an elderly parent and could not muster the energy to focus on the current opportunity. “I just don’t know how to think about this right now---there’s no room in my head!” she exclaimed.

Her summation of the situation was so well put. Oftentimes, when we are the most stressed or preoccupied, opportunities arise. At those moments, we simply do not have the emotional resources and energy to make informed decisions. So, being human, we stick to the known, the perceived safe place, and abstain from change.

A key skill is the ability to perceive when we are in a place where we simply cannot deal with new stimulation. Rather than rejecting, what could be fabulous opportunities, we need to acknowledge and accept where we are and try to buy some time. We do not want a temporary situation to keep us from embracing new, far reaching, opportunities. The mere act of recognition gives us control and hopefully a chance to postpone a decision until there is some “room in our head.”

How have you "bought some time"? Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

Change may be inner directed, outer directed or a little bit of both. Inner directed change comes from within. It is a decision you make for yourself to increase satisfaction in your life. For example, the catalysts for making the decisions to find a new job, move to a new city, learn a new skill, end a relationship or retire are most often self motivated.

Outer directed change comes from outside. It is a change that is thrust upon you. Examples of outer directed change are the loss of a loved one, illness, termination, or the loss of savings in a bear market. Sometimes changes are a combination of both inner and outer directed decisions.

In any event, change causes anxiety. You are leaving the known for the unknown. The fear may be so paralyzing that you are tempted to remain in horrific circumstances just to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Ambrose Redmoon was correct in declaring, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than the fear.”

It is unrealistic for you to expect to undergo transition without experiencing fear and anxiety. You will be thrown off balance and it is unsettling. However, you must realize that the courage is in the determination that reaching your new goal is more important that the transient fear that you will experience. Whether the new goal is specific like finding a more rewarding job or amorphous like surviving the death of a spouse----you must determine that regaining your equilibrium and moving on is crucial for your emotional well being.

What is stopping you from moving on?

Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.

It happened again. I’m part of a group of about 75 people. An e-mail was sent out by our president, congratulating one of our members on a recent accomplishment. The praise was well deserved and appropriate. What was not appropriate, and frankly annoying, is my receiving copies of the 74 other members’ e-mails, echoing the original congratulatory message.

We must stop and think before we automatically hit “reply all” in response to an e-mail. More often than not, everyone on the list does not need to read everyone else’s agreement on the initial congratulatory message. If we feel the need to add our own congratulations, we should send it directly to the member, in other words, we can REPLY ONLY to her.

Likewise, if we wish to voice an opinion on an e-mail author’s sentiments, we may go ahead and do it, but, we must first consider whether the other 75 people on the list need to know our feelings. Oftentimes, by taking just a few seconds, we can distinguish and direct our remarks JUST to those who may be impacted by our reply.

We are all inundated with electronic communications. Let’s make a conscious effort to diminish these intrusions wherever possible and appropriate.

Laura@RealWomenWin.com #bereal

It’s a new year. Turn on the television, walk into a book store, or open a magazine and we are barraged with “helpful” tips to get in shape for 2012 just like we were for 2011, 2010, etc. etc. In fact, it’s almost impossible to escape the call for fitness and healthy eating habits.


But, what about getting our inner life in shape? What about trying to be more charitable, empathetic, spiritual, and non-judgmental? What about taking a new course? How about exposing ourselves to new and challenging experiences?


Ok, it is important to maintain optimal physical health. Most of us try (not always successfully). Let’s not forgot to also try and improve our emotional health. As Golda Meir once expressed, “Not being beautiful was a true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources…”


Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

I just finished reading 5 pages of notes. I got the point; the committee was not able to reach a unanimous decision. They could have said this in 5 words, rather than 5 pages.

We are all inundated with electronic communication. How helpful if we were mindful on the length of our messages.

Take a moment and review your writings? Is there any way you could be more concise? Can you delete some words, sentences or hopefully paragraphs? Could you be more effective by using bullet points?

I have more to say, but, I'm sure you got the point!

Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

Our flaws have no inherent power. Their only power comes from within. The ultimate effect our imperfections have on our lives is in direct correlation with the power we give them. If, up to this point, we’ve allowed our inadequacies to control, it’s now time to render them impotent.

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal

I joined the gym. I tried to find one not populated with the “beautiful people”, no such thing exists. So, here I was, surrounded by physiques immune to imperfection.

I met with my personal trainer, Sergio, and closely complied with his instructions for my assessment. He was very positive, looking for any opportunity to make me feel good about my strength and stamina. “Give my five!” he cheered, as I finished some type of contortion that involved a big blue ball.

I started to relax. I stood up straighter, my ego intact. “Maybe I’m in better shape than I thought,” I let myself believe. Now, encouraged, I said to Sergio, “I see there are classes here. Which one do you think I should sign up for?”

Without hesitating, he pronounced, “the silver classes.” Silver, I contemplated. Silver, gold, bronze, I silently reviewed. Not bad.

I went downstairs and took a copy of the class schedule. I noticed that all the silver classes were in the middle of the day.

Questioning the times with the receptionist, she informed me, “Silver is our silver hair classes.” Back to reality, I slithered out the door.

laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal