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Negative Self Talk
Posted by Laura Black in Advocacy and Business Development
Wednesday, February 17th at 1:14 am (Permalink)
“Why would they hire me now? In this economy, there are far more experienced people, " Sally said to herself, on her way to a job interview. Miranda was on her way to show a perspective client some real estate properties. “Everyone is afraid of making changes in this economic environment. I know I am wasting my time,” she silently muttered. Elizabeth, was going to ask a potential donor to help contribute to a capital fund, “There is no way they are going to go the extra mile, right now,” she thought. Sally, Miranda and Elizabeth, (not their actual names), and countless others like them, are not even cognizant of their thoughts as they prepare to sell themselves, their causes and their products.
We all have conversations with ourselves on a multitude of topics. These thoughts are often so fleeting that we do not always notice their existence and we are not attuned to their significance. We do not realize the impact they can have on our beliefs and behavior. As Henry Ford so aptly stated, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t---you’re right.”
When we go on a job interview, when we fund raise for a cause and when we sell our products or services---the first and most important person we must sell is ourselves. If we are not believers—how can we possible convince others?
Conviction is convincing. When a consumer or contributor is making a decision they want validation that they are doing the right thing. Can you imagine, on the way to the operating room, hearing your doctor say, “I’m not sure you should undergo this type of surgery?” Or, on the way to the court room having your lawyer state, “I’m not effective in communicating to juries.” While these images are laughable, we communicate this same uncertainty when our thoughts are marked by negativity and self doubt.
Make yourself aware of your negative self-talk. Acknowledge your fears and challenges. Then replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, Sally could replace her negativity with something like, “Yes, the economy is tough, that is precisely why they should hire me. I will prove to be terrific asset adding value to their bottom line.” Similarly, Miranda could pump herself up by replacing her negativity with, “In this real estate climate, my client has a terrific opportunity to buy a property at below market value.”
Make sure you sell yourself first. Be your own advocate. Communicate with passion and conviction. If you are not confident, you will unwittingly communicate this to your perspective buyer and they will lose confidence in you and your product.
We all have conversations with ourselves on a multitude of topics. These thoughts are often so fleeting that we do not always notice their existence and we are not attuned to their significance. We do not realize the impact they can have on our beliefs and behavior. As Henry Ford so aptly stated, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t---you’re right.”
When we go on a job interview, when we fund raise for a cause and when we sell our products or services---the first and most important person we must sell is ourselves. If we are not believers—how can we possible convince others?
Conviction is convincing. When a consumer or contributor is making a decision they want validation that they are doing the right thing. Can you imagine, on the way to the operating room, hearing your doctor say, “I’m not sure you should undergo this type of surgery?” Or, on the way to the court room having your lawyer state, “I’m not effective in communicating to juries.” While these images are laughable, we communicate this same uncertainty when our thoughts are marked by negativity and self doubt.
Make yourself aware of your negative self-talk. Acknowledge your fears and challenges. Then replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, Sally could replace her negativity with something like, “Yes, the economy is tough, that is precisely why they should hire me. I will prove to be terrific asset adding value to their bottom line.” Similarly, Miranda could pump herself up by replacing her negativity with, “In this real estate climate, my client has a terrific opportunity to buy a property at below market value.”
Make sure you sell yourself first. Be your own advocate. Communicate with passion and conviction. If you are not confident, you will unwittingly communicate this to your perspective buyer and they will lose confidence in you and your product.
Seven Stupid Things We Say to Ourselves
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, April 29th at 9:36 pm (Permalink)
“I’m sure they felt they had to invite me to this party. They will probably be relieved if I don’t go.”
“I can’t believe she did not acknowledge me. I must not be important enough.”
“I knew I should not have worn this dress, now everyone thinks I look awful.”
“I can’t believe I said that. The words just came out of my mouth. What are people thinking?”
“Everyone else seems to know one another—I just do not belong.”
“I have nothing interesting to add to conversations, they probably think I’m boring.”
“I must be an awful mother; everyone else’s kids seem so accomplished.”
Do any of these negative messages sound familiar? Sometimes, such thoughts are so fleeting; we do not even realize they exist. Yet, if we pay careful attention to our feelings, we can detect destructive and damaging internal messages.
On the one hand, we know such thinking is ridiculous; we are adults and should be way past worrying about other peoples’ perceptions. We should have learned by now, that people are thinking about themselves, not about us. On the other hand, our childhood insecurities seem to defy logic and rear their ugly heads.
We must stop sabotaging our self confidence. By being cognizant of negative self messaging, we can identify harmful thoughts and stop them in their tracks! Increased awareness will help us to recognize diminishing self judgments and either stop them or replace them with positive messaging.
“I can’t believe she did not acknowledge me. I must not be important enough.”
“I knew I should not have worn this dress, now everyone thinks I look awful.”
“I can’t believe I said that. The words just came out of my mouth. What are people thinking?”
“Everyone else seems to know one another—I just do not belong.”
“I have nothing interesting to add to conversations, they probably think I’m boring.”
“I must be an awful mother; everyone else’s kids seem so accomplished.”
Do any of these negative messages sound familiar? Sometimes, such thoughts are so fleeting; we do not even realize they exist. Yet, if we pay careful attention to our feelings, we can detect destructive and damaging internal messages.
On the one hand, we know such thinking is ridiculous; we are adults and should be way past worrying about other peoples’ perceptions. We should have learned by now, that people are thinking about themselves, not about us. On the other hand, our childhood insecurities seem to defy logic and rear their ugly heads.
We must stop sabotaging our self confidence. By being cognizant of negative self messaging, we can identify harmful thoughts and stop them in their tracks! Increased awareness will help us to recognize diminishing self judgments and either stop them or replace them with positive messaging.
A Letter to New College Graduates
Posted by Laura Black in
Friday, May 14th at 5:57 pm (Permalink)
Dear Graduate:
You did it. Four years of hard work and study are over. Your family came and sat for hours in various climates anxiously waiting for their 30ish seconds to witness your walk across the platform, the handshake and receipt of your diploma. Their hearts swelled with pride and their eyes filled with tears as they regaled in your accomplishment.
There were parties and dinners, laughter and tears. Four years of possessions were gathered up for transit. Four years of friendships were memorialized with emotion. For some, the next step of your journey is mapped out, you will continue directly to graduate schools or jobs. For many, for the first time in your life, you will proceed to the unknown.
Your graduation comes at a time of historic economic challenges. Your job search will require courage, motivation and persistence in a time when you are vulnerable, overwhelmed and scared. Searching for shelter, uninvited inquires from loved family and friends invade your space with The Question, “So, what are you going to do?” How you wish you could give them an answer.
Whatever our age, whatever our stage, the unknown is a powerful enemy. We hate limbo. Yet, you will survive—you will thrive. In fact, learning to live and endure without answers is an integral life skill that will serve you well.
Enjoy this moment. Explore many options. This too will pass—it is time limited.
Next week’s blog will give you some specific steps to help in your search.
I would love to hear your comments. Please e-mail me: laura@realwomenwin.com
You did it. Four years of hard work and study are over. Your family came and sat for hours in various climates anxiously waiting for their 30ish seconds to witness your walk across the platform, the handshake and receipt of your diploma. Their hearts swelled with pride and their eyes filled with tears as they regaled in your accomplishment.
There were parties and dinners, laughter and tears. Four years of possessions were gathered up for transit. Four years of friendships were memorialized with emotion. For some, the next step of your journey is mapped out, you will continue directly to graduate schools or jobs. For many, for the first time in your life, you will proceed to the unknown.
Your graduation comes at a time of historic economic challenges. Your job search will require courage, motivation and persistence in a time when you are vulnerable, overwhelmed and scared. Searching for shelter, uninvited inquires from loved family and friends invade your space with The Question, “So, what are you going to do?” How you wish you could give them an answer.
Whatever our age, whatever our stage, the unknown is a powerful enemy. We hate limbo. Yet, you will survive—you will thrive. In fact, learning to live and endure without answers is an integral life skill that will serve you well.
Enjoy this moment. Explore many options. This too will pass—it is time limited.
Next week’s blog will give you some specific steps to help in your search.
I would love to hear your comments. Please e-mail me: laura@realwomenwin.com
More Simple Steps for Business Success!
Posted by Laura Black in
Tuesday, May 25th at 2:37 pm (Permalink)
4. If the result is important, do whatever it takes to procure a face –to- face meeting. Whether you are trying to hire a new employee or win a new contract, you need to look directly into the other person’s eyes. It is all about relationships.
5. Motivate your employees. Take the time to determine what really is important to them. Sometimes it is money. Oftentimes it is intangibles, like flexible scheduling. It is very empowering for an employee to feel confident that they can take time off for childcare or other critical personal matters.
6. Perception is reality. Be known as the authority/biggest/best in your field. This can be achieved through marketing, strategic publishing, trade shows, seminars, etc.
More to come! I look forward to reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com
5. Motivate your employees. Take the time to determine what really is important to them. Sometimes it is money. Oftentimes it is intangibles, like flexible scheduling. It is very empowering for an employee to feel confident that they can take time off for childcare or other critical personal matters.
6. Perception is reality. Be known as the authority/biggest/best in your field. This can be achieved through marketing, strategic publishing, trade shows, seminars, etc.
More to come! I look forward to reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com
Women Making a Difference
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, May 26th at 1:30 pm (Permalink)
I join hands with you, incredible women - bright, energetic, remarkable women ---all dedicated to a common good.
We are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, wives and friends. We are teachers, mentors, students, doctors, lawyers, nurses and executives.
We have chosen a wide array of different paths; we have traveled down different roads. We have met different challenges, relied on different strengths and overcome different weaknesses.
We are short, tall, thin, zaftig, loud, soft spoken, extroverts and introverts. For some of us the path has been smooth; for some filled with potholes.
Yet, no matter what path we have taken, we have arrived at the same destination. We are women---simply wanting to help to the best of our ability. We love our family—our community and our people around the world.
We want to enable every man, woman and child—young and old---to have the resources to travel down their own personal path.
We know it is not possible to continue your journey if you are hungry, if you do not have a roof over your head, if you are isolated, if you can’t afford your medicine, if you do not know where your next pay check is coming from and if you do not have a loving hand—to pull you back on track—when circumstances force you to falter.
We want to right these wrongs. We want to help. Yes, we are the same---much more than we are different.
We are women, just wanting to help. We simply want to make the path smoother.
We give of our time, we give of our dollars. We can be found reading with under privileged children in elementary schools and sitting on boards. We volunteer at hospitals and travel to under developed countries.
We help with our hands and we give of our soul. We give of our time and we give of our dollars. We help build playgrounds and we help build confidence.
We raise our children and we raise the bar. We read Dr. Zeus and we read Annual Reports.
We have learned that:
It is NOT what we do that defines us---BUT WHO we ARE that BINDS US!
We will not rest on our laurels. Rather, we will act with integrity and purpose as we continue to expand our reach. We will do whatever it takes to stress the importance of women making a personal statement, a personal commitment to our greater needs through engagement and philanthropy.
I want to hear how you are making a difference: laura@realwomenwin.com
We are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, wives and friends. We are teachers, mentors, students, doctors, lawyers, nurses and executives.
We have chosen a wide array of different paths; we have traveled down different roads. We have met different challenges, relied on different strengths and overcome different weaknesses.
We are short, tall, thin, zaftig, loud, soft spoken, extroverts and introverts. For some of us the path has been smooth; for some filled with potholes.
Yet, no matter what path we have taken, we have arrived at the same destination. We are women---simply wanting to help to the best of our ability. We love our family—our community and our people around the world.
We want to enable every man, woman and child—young and old---to have the resources to travel down their own personal path.
We know it is not possible to continue your journey if you are hungry, if you do not have a roof over your head, if you are isolated, if you can’t afford your medicine, if you do not know where your next pay check is coming from and if you do not have a loving hand—to pull you back on track—when circumstances force you to falter.
We want to right these wrongs. We want to help. Yes, we are the same---much more than we are different.
We are women, just wanting to help. We simply want to make the path smoother.
We give of our time, we give of our dollars. We can be found reading with under privileged children in elementary schools and sitting on boards. We volunteer at hospitals and travel to under developed countries.
We help with our hands and we give of our soul. We give of our time and we give of our dollars. We help build playgrounds and we help build confidence.
We raise our children and we raise the bar. We read Dr. Zeus and we read Annual Reports.
We have learned that:
It is NOT what we do that defines us---BUT WHO we ARE that BINDS US!
We will not rest on our laurels. Rather, we will act with integrity and purpose as we continue to expand our reach. We will do whatever it takes to stress the importance of women making a personal statement, a personal commitment to our greater needs through engagement and philanthropy.
I want to hear how you are making a difference: laura@realwomenwin.com
Are You A Drama Queen?
Posted by Laura Black in
Saturday, July 10th at 3:59 pm (Permalink)
You do NOT want to be known as the “Drama Queen”. Drama Queens are not taken seriously. A Drama Queen is to an office what a hypochondriac is to a physician. Once the label is set, it is difficult to remove. Even if you have a legitimate complaint, it is now received with skepticism.
Yes, you may have an emotional and passionate personality. Such characteristics serve you well in many situations. However, when you loose control and fly off the handle, you diminish yourself and disrupt your environment. Worst of all, you are perceived as immature and you risk loosing respect and status.
Here are some simple steps to help avoid being The Drama Queen:
1. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions. I don’t care if you were just insulted or your opinion was disregarded. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.
2. Do NOT respond while your emotions are charged.
3. Remove yourself from the situation so that you can review the action and your response in an objective manner.
4. Consider whether or not a response is even warranted. What is the purpose of responding? Will responding help your long term goals?
5. If a response is warranted, what is a mature, thoughtful and appropriate reaction?
6. Visualize someone you highly respect. How do you think they would handle the situation?
7. Make sure you have “cooled down” before proceeding.
I would love to hear how you have handled difficult, emotional situations. Please contact me at: Laura@RealWomenWin.com
Yes, you may have an emotional and passionate personality. Such characteristics serve you well in many situations. However, when you loose control and fly off the handle, you diminish yourself and disrupt your environment. Worst of all, you are perceived as immature and you risk loosing respect and status.
Here are some simple steps to help avoid being The Drama Queen:
1. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions. I don’t care if you were just insulted or your opinion was disregarded. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.
2. Do NOT respond while your emotions are charged.
3. Remove yourself from the situation so that you can review the action and your response in an objective manner.
4. Consider whether or not a response is even warranted. What is the purpose of responding? Will responding help your long term goals?
5. If a response is warranted, what is a mature, thoughtful and appropriate reaction?
6. Visualize someone you highly respect. How do you think they would handle the situation?
7. Make sure you have “cooled down” before proceeding.
I would love to hear how you have handled difficult, emotional situations. Please contact me at: Laura@RealWomenWin.com
Waiting for The Call.
Posted by Laura Black in
Tuesday, July 13th at 9:52 pm (Permalink)
Jill had a great job interview on Tuesday. She left the building; the final words of her prospective employer still whirling in her head, “We should be back to you by the end of the week.”
That evening, she kept the phone close at hand, just in case they made an early decision. All day Wednesday, she cradled the phone, knowing it was too soon, yet hoping for The Call. Now, it was Thursday. “Thursday is the start of the end of the week”, she told herself, as she brought her phone into the bathroom. “You never know when it may ring,” she rationalized. Through- out the day and into the night, she never strayed from her phone, her hope. By 10pm that evening, she adjusted her inner dialogue. “I guess Friday is really the end of the week.” I know they will call me tomorrow.
She jumped out of bed Friday morning, taking a very early shower. She could not risk missing The Call. She spent each minute, each hour, in her own little world, obsessed with the silence of her phone, waiting for The Call. The silence, so deafening, she could not concentrate on anything else. It was now 4pm, still, no Call. What should she do?
Coming Soon: Making the Follow up Phone Call.
I love hearing your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com
That evening, she kept the phone close at hand, just in case they made an early decision. All day Wednesday, she cradled the phone, knowing it was too soon, yet hoping for The Call. Now, it was Thursday. “Thursday is the start of the end of the week”, she told herself, as she brought her phone into the bathroom. “You never know when it may ring,” she rationalized. Through- out the day and into the night, she never strayed from her phone, her hope. By 10pm that evening, she adjusted her inner dialogue. “I guess Friday is really the end of the week.” I know they will call me tomorrow.
She jumped out of bed Friday morning, taking a very early shower. She could not risk missing The Call. She spent each minute, each hour, in her own little world, obsessed with the silence of her phone, waiting for The Call. The silence, so deafening, she could not concentrate on anything else. It was now 4pm, still, no Call. What should she do?
Coming Soon: Making the Follow up Phone Call.
I love hearing your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com
The Follow-up Phone Call
Posted by Laura Black in
Friday, July 16th at 2:03 am (Permalink)
We left off with Jill waiting for “The Call”, the job offer that was supposed to come by “the end of the week.” It is 4pm on Friday, still no phone call. What does Jill do?
We all can relate to Jill. Maybe it’s not a job offer, but a client who promised to get back to you and close a deal. Perhaps it is an agent; you’re waiting for his decision on representation. It may even be your physician, who promised to get back with test results.
In all these situations, we feel out of control. We perceive that we are at the mercy of the other person, helplessly waiting for them to contact us. Why don’t we take control and contact them? Usually, we hesitate because we hate putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. We do not want to be perceived as needy, annoying or pestering. We are afraid of hurting our chances by negatively influencing their decision. We do not want to incur their wrath because of our impatience.
I find the best solution is to be reasonable. In Jill’s case, I would probably wait until Monday, and if I had not heard from the employer, I would call. In other words, I would give the other person a “reasonable” window, and then take back control. When making the subjective determination of “reasonable” objectively consider the necessity of a timely response.
When you do make that call, the key is to refrain from putting the other person on the defensive. You do not want to begin by saying, “It is Monday, and you promised to get back to me by Friday.” That will get you either an embarrassed or defensive response. Instead, depending on the matter and the person, get to the point of the call and ignore the missed timetable, take responsibility for needing to know an answer or even use humor.
In Jill’s case, after an anxious week-end, she finally made “The Call” Monday afternoon. After some coaching she said, “Hi, I wanted to touch base with you and see where we are? Is there any additional information you need from me or anything I can do from my end?” The response, “Oh Jill, I am so glad you called, I could not get all our decision makers together on Friday, and I was going to call you later this afternoon.”
Please share your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com
We all can relate to Jill. Maybe it’s not a job offer, but a client who promised to get back to you and close a deal. Perhaps it is an agent; you’re waiting for his decision on representation. It may even be your physician, who promised to get back with test results.
In all these situations, we feel out of control. We perceive that we are at the mercy of the other person, helplessly waiting for them to contact us. Why don’t we take control and contact them? Usually, we hesitate because we hate putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. We do not want to be perceived as needy, annoying or pestering. We are afraid of hurting our chances by negatively influencing their decision. We do not want to incur their wrath because of our impatience.
I find the best solution is to be reasonable. In Jill’s case, I would probably wait until Monday, and if I had not heard from the employer, I would call. In other words, I would give the other person a “reasonable” window, and then take back control. When making the subjective determination of “reasonable” objectively consider the necessity of a timely response.
When you do make that call, the key is to refrain from putting the other person on the defensive. You do not want to begin by saying, “It is Monday, and you promised to get back to me by Friday.” That will get you either an embarrassed or defensive response. Instead, depending on the matter and the person, get to the point of the call and ignore the missed timetable, take responsibility for needing to know an answer or even use humor.
In Jill’s case, after an anxious week-end, she finally made “The Call” Monday afternoon. After some coaching she said, “Hi, I wanted to touch base with you and see where we are? Is there any additional information you need from me or anything I can do from my end?” The response, “Oh Jill, I am so glad you called, I could not get all our decision makers together on Friday, and I was going to call you later this afternoon.”
Please share your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com
When Did Entitlement Enter the Workplace?
Posted by Laura Black in
Sunday, August 1st at 4:12 pm (Permalink)
Our forefathers worked as a means to provide food, clothing and shelter for their families. They labored long hours and withstood exhausting schedules to put “bread on the table.” The work ethic was ingrained into their psyches and passed on from one generation to the next.
Lessons were taught based on a strong sense of ethical responsibility to one’s employer. “Ask not what your employer can do for you, but what you can do for your employer.” Workers showed up early and stayed late. They looked to take on extra responsibility and prove their worth. They coveted the opportunity to earn a paycheck. They went the “extra mile” to ensure their position.
Flash forward and concepts like “passion” and “self fulfillment” crept into the equation. “Find your passion,” we instruct our children. “Do what you love and the money will follow,” we advise our college bound progeny.
Clothed in the best suits, trained in the best schools, they enter the work place. We thought we had prepared them by providing personal coaches, SAT tutors, semesters abroad and summers at sea. They enter the work force with expectations as inflated as their egos. “What’s in it for me?”
What happened to those long lost values? When did the work place become a “buyers” market? For those who crave success in today’s world, the economic reality, marked by soaring unemployment, has forced a shift back to the “old fashion” principles of hard work and high standards. We need to rethink and re-message expectations for the next generation.
I would love to hear your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com
Lessons were taught based on a strong sense of ethical responsibility to one’s employer. “Ask not what your employer can do for you, but what you can do for your employer.” Workers showed up early and stayed late. They looked to take on extra responsibility and prove their worth. They coveted the opportunity to earn a paycheck. They went the “extra mile” to ensure their position.
Flash forward and concepts like “passion” and “self fulfillment” crept into the equation. “Find your passion,” we instruct our children. “Do what you love and the money will follow,” we advise our college bound progeny.
Clothed in the best suits, trained in the best schools, they enter the work place. We thought we had prepared them by providing personal coaches, SAT tutors, semesters abroad and summers at sea. They enter the work force with expectations as inflated as their egos. “What’s in it for me?”
What happened to those long lost values? When did the work place become a “buyers” market? For those who crave success in today’s world, the economic reality, marked by soaring unemployment, has forced a shift back to the “old fashion” principles of hard work and high standards. We need to rethink and re-message expectations for the next generation.
I would love to hear your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com
Our Heavy Load.
Posted by Laura Black in
Tuesday, September 7th at 4:28 pm (Permalink)
“So how was your week-end?” I innocently asked the first person I ran into this morning. “Well, we had so much to do around the house; I didn’t have a moment to relax,” she complained. On to the next women, “So, I hope you had a great week-end?” I tried again. “It is so hectic getting the kids ready for school, I never stopped!” was her exasperated reply.
And so it goes. You get the point. Everybody shared the burden of their life. Between work, school, kids, parents, houses and the holidays, do we even consider just having fun? And, if we actually did indulge ourselves and just relax and enjoy, doing nothing “productive”, how dare we share this information?
Yes, as women, we have a tremendous amount of responsibility. We also have responsibility for ourselves. What is wrong with having fun or doing nothing? Why do we need to justify our existence by constantly advertising the weight of our burdens?
No one is disagreeing; we must take care of our family, community and work related responsibility. We also must take time for ourselves. What if, in the end, who ever had the most fun wins?
Do you allow yourself to just have fun? Laura@realwomenwin.com
And so it goes. You get the point. Everybody shared the burden of their life. Between work, school, kids, parents, houses and the holidays, do we even consider just having fun? And, if we actually did indulge ourselves and just relax and enjoy, doing nothing “productive”, how dare we share this information?
Yes, as women, we have a tremendous amount of responsibility. We also have responsibility for ourselves. What is wrong with having fun or doing nothing? Why do we need to justify our existence by constantly advertising the weight of our burdens?
No one is disagreeing; we must take care of our family, community and work related responsibility. We also must take time for ourselves. What if, in the end, who ever had the most fun wins?
Do you allow yourself to just have fun? Laura@realwomenwin.com
Change.
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, September 8th at 12:40 pm (Permalink)
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." This wise saying, by Lao Tzu, caught my eye in a charming gift shop in Maine. The message is not new. Albert Einstein expressed it, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
In our day to day lives, many of us are stuck. Whether it is our relationships, jobs or even our weight, we are frustrated that “they” do not change. Yet, we continue to head in the same direction and do the same things!
Maybe it’s time to accept the truth, that some things, despite our complaints, we simply do not want to change. For others, maybe it’s time to gather the courage and change direction.
Laura@realwomenwin.com
In our day to day lives, many of us are stuck. Whether it is our relationships, jobs or even our weight, we are frustrated that “they” do not change. Yet, we continue to head in the same direction and do the same things!
Maybe it’s time to accept the truth, that some things, despite our complaints, we simply do not want to change. For others, maybe it’s time to gather the courage and change direction.
Laura@realwomenwin.com
VIP Tickets.
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, October 27th at 7:24 pm (Permalink)
A common and effective fundraising tool is holding an event to attract both existing and potential contributors.
Quite often, a prominent speaker or entertainer is selected that will hopefully “draw” a crowd to the event. The “draw” may be a musician, comedian, rock group, speaker, writer or high level official. In other words, the “draw” is someone or something that will motivate people to buy tickets and attend.
Based on the budget for the event, ticket prices are set. Frequently, there are special or VIP tickets. These tickets usually cost substantially more than general admission seats and entitle the bearer to attend a “private” event with the “draw.” At these private, pre or post functions, there is often “upscale” food and beverage. There is also the opportunity to network with a small, influential group of attendees.
Much too often, at the VIP events, women are conspicuous by their absence. Unless it is an event that is strictly geared to women, we do not come out in force and show our support. Perhaps it is because they are usually held in the evening; where other responsibilities prohibit us from attending. Perhaps it is because we cannot fathom or justify spending large sums for a VIP ticket rather than the more modest general admission price.
Whatever the justification, we need to be seen as players. We need to be seen as equals. We need to represent ourselves. We need to be perceived as powerful. We need to attend the VIP event. In developing your marketing and networking budget, allow yourself the option to attend some of these events. Sometimes part of the cost may be written off. Other times, employers may pay or subsidize the ticket. The bottom line is that the cost of not attending may outweigh the hefty ticket price.
Do you attend these events? Please send me your thoughts: laura@realwomenwin.com.
Why Do We Discount Compliments?
Posted by Laura Black in
Monday, November 1st at 9:47 pm (Permalink)
Terry gave a beautiful dinner party. From the flowers to the wine, it was evident she put a lot of effort and thought into every detail. When her friends complimented her on the extraordinary evening, Terry replied, “Oh, it was nothing. I had a lot of help.”
Jennifer gave an outstanding presentation to the marketing department of her company. It was obvious she did a significant amount of research and came up with some noteworthy conclusions. With precision and confidence, she presented her findings in a user friendly format. Later, when her supervisor passed on the great feedback, she retorted, “Oh, all I did was tweak an old presentation, it was no big deal.”
Why do we discount our work and our efforts? Are we trying to be modest? Do we think it makes us look even better if we show that we achieved great results without effort? Or, do we not want to admit we cared enough to put in the time and energy?
We must own our accomplishments! It is ok to be proud! Maybe we are so accustomed to discounting compliments, we don’t even remember how to accept credit. Try something like, “Thank you, I am thrilled that it came out the way I hoped it would.”
Do you discount compliments? laura@realwomenwin.com
Jennifer gave an outstanding presentation to the marketing department of her company. It was obvious she did a significant amount of research and came up with some noteworthy conclusions. With precision and confidence, she presented her findings in a user friendly format. Later, when her supervisor passed on the great feedback, she retorted, “Oh, all I did was tweak an old presentation, it was no big deal.”
Why do we discount our work and our efforts? Are we trying to be modest? Do we think it makes us look even better if we show that we achieved great results without effort? Or, do we not want to admit we cared enough to put in the time and energy?
We must own our accomplishments! It is ok to be proud! Maybe we are so accustomed to discounting compliments, we don’t even remember how to accept credit. Try something like, “Thank you, I am thrilled that it came out the way I hoped it would.”
Do you discount compliments? laura@realwomenwin.com
"Obstacles"
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, November 3rd at 6:43 pm (Permalink)
It was a perfect winter day at the beach. The sky was as blue as the water; the air was crisp and inviting. The birds were happily chirping; the sun brightly shining. Looking out my window, I couldn’t wait to take my iPod and go down for an exhilarating walk.
Reaching the beach, I soon saw that the sand dunes were huge. Standing upright, they almost reached my shoulders. I was not sure how to navigate my way down to the flat sand. Using a little ingenuity, I sat on my butt and slid down the sandy slope. The effort was worthwhile, the beach was just spectacular. Turning my music on and singing out loud, I had the potential for a glorious walk.
Only 5 minutes into the journey, an unwelcome thought intruded into my blissful peace, “How was I going to climb back up over the almost 5 foot sand dune?” The further I walked, the greater my angst. “How stupid that I didn’t bring my phone,” I chastised myself. “What if I get stuck out here?” I obsessed. “How long will it take until someone sees me?" I continued ruminating as the panic escalated. Instead of staying focused on the magnificent moment, I was completely stuck, fretting over my return. I allowed the possible obstacle of climbing back over the dune ruin the immediate experience.
When it was time to return, I simply put a foot in the sand and then my hands. Basically I crawled up the dune in about 2 minutes.
How many other moments have I missed while hypothesizing over potential future obstacles? What a waste.
How have your “obstacles” interfered with your present? laura@realwomenwin.com
Reaching the beach, I soon saw that the sand dunes were huge. Standing upright, they almost reached my shoulders. I was not sure how to navigate my way down to the flat sand. Using a little ingenuity, I sat on my butt and slid down the sandy slope. The effort was worthwhile, the beach was just spectacular. Turning my music on and singing out loud, I had the potential for a glorious walk.
Only 5 minutes into the journey, an unwelcome thought intruded into my blissful peace, “How was I going to climb back up over the almost 5 foot sand dune?” The further I walked, the greater my angst. “How stupid that I didn’t bring my phone,” I chastised myself. “What if I get stuck out here?” I obsessed. “How long will it take until someone sees me?" I continued ruminating as the panic escalated. Instead of staying focused on the magnificent moment, I was completely stuck, fretting over my return. I allowed the possible obstacle of climbing back over the dune ruin the immediate experience.
When it was time to return, I simply put a foot in the sand and then my hands. Basically I crawled up the dune in about 2 minutes.
How many other moments have I missed while hypothesizing over potential future obstacles? What a waste.
How have your “obstacles” interfered with your present? laura@realwomenwin.com
Risk Taking.
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, November 11th at 8:16 pm (Permalink)
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” (William Shedd.) When is it time to leave the safety of our self made harbor and move out to sea? When is it time to make a change? What is keeping us from sailing?
When honest with ourselves, we know when it’s time. Maybe we dread Monday mornings, as our career is sinking into a deepening hole. Perhaps it is a relationship that has become detrimental to our wellbeing. Maybe it is our week-ends that have become predictable and boring. Maybe it is our life that has become predictable and boring.
What moves us out to sea? What is the impetus that allows us to take a risk and make a change? Sometimes it is the realization that time is passing quickly and we are not maximizing precious gifts. Sometimes it is the realization that there has to be more—we are observing rather than experiencing. Sometimes, it is a single event that puts us over the edge and magnifies the intolerable.
The fear of the unknown is a powerful force that oftentimes keeps us complacent. We know what we have—it feels terrifying to cross the abyss to the unknown. The most frightening part is the transition itself. Once we are comfortably out to sea, the anxiety subsides. It is the thought of pulling up anchor and setting sail that causes trepidation.
Next time: Tips for dealing with the transition. I love reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com
When honest with ourselves, we know when it’s time. Maybe we dread Monday mornings, as our career is sinking into a deepening hole. Perhaps it is a relationship that has become detrimental to our wellbeing. Maybe it is our week-ends that have become predictable and boring. Maybe it is our life that has become predictable and boring.
What moves us out to sea? What is the impetus that allows us to take a risk and make a change? Sometimes it is the realization that time is passing quickly and we are not maximizing precious gifts. Sometimes it is the realization that there has to be more—we are observing rather than experiencing. Sometimes, it is a single event that puts us over the edge and magnifies the intolerable.
The fear of the unknown is a powerful force that oftentimes keeps us complacent. We know what we have—it feels terrifying to cross the abyss to the unknown. The most frightening part is the transition itself. Once we are comfortably out to sea, the anxiety subsides. It is the thought of pulling up anchor and setting sail that causes trepidation.
Next time: Tips for dealing with the transition. I love reading your comments: laura@realwomenwin.com
4 Keys for Surviving Transition.
Posted by Laura Black in
Monday, November 29th at 8:11 pm (Permalink)
Congratulations! You finally closed your eyes, held your breath and jumped. You left the safety and security of the past and are now on your way to your future. Now, to make your new dreams a reality you must navigate through the unsettling space called transition. How do you keep your emotions intact while it feels as if you are free falling during the interim?
1. Perspective – The old adage is true, “This too shall pass.” Ground yourself by remembering that this is but a blip in the screen of your life. Do not become submerged in the transition itself. This is merely a means to an end.
2. Resilience - Remember where you are headed and why you made the decision to move on. It is helpful to write down your impetus for making a change and what your hopes are for the future. When moments of inner turmoil strike, refer to these notes for inspiration. Also, look at past transitions and reaffirm your inner strength.
3. Distraction – During this unsettling time do whatever possible to reach your new goal. However, there will be unavoidable downtime ---fodder for obsession. Do not fall into the trap. Find ways to distract yourself like exercise, hobbies or new personal goals. For example, a friend of mine trained for a half marathon. This allowed her to channel her stress in a productive manner.
4. Determination – Once you have made the leap, quit looking back and questioning. Your have moved on to achieving new heights and satisfaction! Focus your thoughts on where you are going, not where you have been. Visualize your new goal and go for it with strength and determination.
How did you survive transition? laura@realwomenwin.com
1. Perspective – The old adage is true, “This too shall pass.” Ground yourself by remembering that this is but a blip in the screen of your life. Do not become submerged in the transition itself. This is merely a means to an end.
2. Resilience - Remember where you are headed and why you made the decision to move on. It is helpful to write down your impetus for making a change and what your hopes are for the future. When moments of inner turmoil strike, refer to these notes for inspiration. Also, look at past transitions and reaffirm your inner strength.
3. Distraction – During this unsettling time do whatever possible to reach your new goal. However, there will be unavoidable downtime ---fodder for obsession. Do not fall into the trap. Find ways to distract yourself like exercise, hobbies or new personal goals. For example, a friend of mine trained for a half marathon. This allowed her to channel her stress in a productive manner.
4. Determination – Once you have made the leap, quit looking back and questioning. Your have moved on to achieving new heights and satisfaction! Focus your thoughts on where you are going, not where you have been. Visualize your new goal and go for it with strength and determination.
How did you survive transition? laura@realwomenwin.com
Readers Comments:
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, December 2nd at 8:05 pm (Permalink)
Dear Laura:
I have had some time to read realwomenwin.com today. I just wanted to let you know I have been thinking a lot about your writing. I think the aspect of change and the fear that ensues, the knowledge that we need to do something differently but our inability to take action, is all very powerful stuff. I see after reading the second paragraph of "risk-taking," just how scary it can be to make big changes to our seemingly comfortable lives.
Sometimes, though, what is comfortable is not what is best for us. While I see that now, it isn't until I have come out on the other side of making changes that I can know this is true. I think this has a lot to do with what you call the "fear of the unknown ". Until we know something, we think we know it and cause ourselves to stress about how bad it is going to be, or worry about how we won't be good enough at it, or the millions of other excuses we give ourselves to remain imprisoned by our current situations.
We cannot think our way into action. We must DO in order to see the difference.
Thank you for giving me the push to “DO”.
Fondly,
“Tammy"
Please continue to share your thoughts! laura@realwomenwin.com
I have had some time to read realwomenwin.com today. I just wanted to let you know I have been thinking a lot about your writing. I think the aspect of change and the fear that ensues, the knowledge that we need to do something differently but our inability to take action, is all very powerful stuff. I see after reading the second paragraph of "risk-taking," just how scary it can be to make big changes to our seemingly comfortable lives.
Sometimes, though, what is comfortable is not what is best for us. While I see that now, it isn't until I have come out on the other side of making changes that I can know this is true. I think this has a lot to do with what you call the "fear of the unknown ". Until we know something, we think we know it and cause ourselves to stress about how bad it is going to be, or worry about how we won't be good enough at it, or the millions of other excuses we give ourselves to remain imprisoned by our current situations.
We cannot think our way into action. We must DO in order to see the difference.
Thank you for giving me the push to “DO”.
Fondly,
“Tammy"
Please continue to share your thoughts! laura@realwomenwin.com
Bragging or Marketing?
Posted by Laura Black in
Tuesday, December 14th at 6:02 pm (Permalink)
Where is the line that separates bragging from marketing? It is essential to promote our business or philanthropic causes. Yet, we often stay far to the left of the nebulous line as we dread being viewed as egotistical or arrogant.
Our fear of narcissistic labels may actually harm our professional goals. By veering away from utilizing positive adjectives, we are left with bland descriptions. Who wants to purchase mediocrity? No one wants to buy an average widget. They want an awesome one!
Creating a buzz for your services is terrific! Garnering enthusiasm and hype for your new product is great! As long as you deliver, and do not oversell, you will retain your reputation for integrity.
To stay clear of the negative “bragging” label, do not promote yourself; but, rather, the product or service you provide. In other words, you do not want to say, “I am the best accountant.” Instead, “We are proud of our reputation for outstanding accounting services.”
If you pride yourself on excellence, do not keep it a secret. Share your high standards and create a demand!
How do you promote? laura@realwomenwin.com
Our fear of narcissistic labels may actually harm our professional goals. By veering away from utilizing positive adjectives, we are left with bland descriptions. Who wants to purchase mediocrity? No one wants to buy an average widget. They want an awesome one!
Creating a buzz for your services is terrific! Garnering enthusiasm and hype for your new product is great! As long as you deliver, and do not oversell, you will retain your reputation for integrity.
To stay clear of the negative “bragging” label, do not promote yourself; but, rather, the product or service you provide. In other words, you do not want to say, “I am the best accountant.” Instead, “We are proud of our reputation for outstanding accounting services.”
If you pride yourself on excellence, do not keep it a secret. Share your high standards and create a demand!
How do you promote? laura@realwomenwin.com
We Just Want to Process.
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, January 19th at 7:55 pm (Permalink)
Even if we have looked at all sides of the problem, ad nauseam, a good friend will listen, as if it is the very first time. She will not roll her eyes and judge. She will help us go over all sides of an issue and try to understand what is really going on. She will allow us to process, for as long as necessary, asking probing questions, when warranted.
She intuitively understands that we are not always looking for a solution, but often need to have the opportunity to just “get it out of our system.” Sometimes, we need to verbally deal, before moving on. She gets it.
She also knows, at some point, that it is time to gently nudge us on towards resolution.
I love hearing your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
She intuitively understands that we are not always looking for a solution, but often need to have the opportunity to just “get it out of our system.” Sometimes, we need to verbally deal, before moving on. She gets it.
She also knows, at some point, that it is time to gently nudge us on towards resolution.
I love hearing your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Just Show Up!
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, February 3rd at 8:02 pm (Permalink)
Let’s be honest. All we really want to do at the end of a long, stressful day is go home, put on our pajamas and be left alone. Conversely, the last thing we want to do is go to a meeting or event in our, by now often uncomfortable, work attire to meet and mingle. Understandably, therefore, we often miss the “optional” evening networking events, fund raisers, etc. We’re tired. We do not want to have to put on our social face to go “see and be seen.”
Do it anyway. What better way to build your potential client or donor base? You are the best voice for your product, service or philanthropic cause. Your passion and conviction is what sells. Getting yourself in front of people is how you get known! It is how your build trust, confidence and passion. This is what builds relationships and clients.
So, how do you motivate yourself to go? My best tool is denial. I simply do not let myself focus on what I have to do or where I need to go at the end of the day. If I dwell or obsess over it, I will undoubtedly come up with a reasonable justification to let myself off the hook. In other words, I simply show up. The irony---95% of the time I end up having fun and meeting new and interesting people!
How do you get yourself to show up? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Do it anyway. What better way to build your potential client or donor base? You are the best voice for your product, service or philanthropic cause. Your passion and conviction is what sells. Getting yourself in front of people is how you get known! It is how your build trust, confidence and passion. This is what builds relationships and clients.
So, how do you motivate yourself to go? My best tool is denial. I simply do not let myself focus on what I have to do or where I need to go at the end of the day. If I dwell or obsess over it, I will undoubtedly come up with a reasonable justification to let myself off the hook. In other words, I simply show up. The irony---95% of the time I end up having fun and meeting new and interesting people!
How do you get yourself to show up? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
It's What We Tell Ourselves That Matters.
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, February 9th at 8:02 pm (Permalink)
“Things are what they are. We cannot change the facts. The only thing we have any control over is what we tell ourselves about the facts.” While intellectually, we acknowledge this statement, emotionally it can be difficult to implement. Yet, when we learn this skill, it can change our lives.
A friend moved her nearly blind grandmother to a nursing home. When they arrived, my friend cringed at the small room, stained drapes and altogether depressing environment. Walking in and sitting down on the bed, her grandmother exclaimed, “What a nice place! I just love it!”
“Grandma, how can you say that? You can hardly see it.” My friend exclaimed. “Oh sweetheart, haven’t you learned, it is not about what the place looks like that matters. The only thing that counts is what we tell ourselves. And, I love it!”
How many times a day do we give ourselves negative messages? Before we can even intercede or acknowledge that WE are the source of the negativity, our self-imposed message becomes our reality. With practice and awareness, however, we can stop the negative messages before they become our truth, and replace them with a positive viewpoint.
It is difficult and takes a concerted effort. For example, the other day, I caught myself thinking, “Oh no, not more ice and snow. I hate being stuck inside.” Fortuitously, I caught myself, and replaced the thought with, “How beautiful, look at this unspoiled blanket of snow. It will allow me some time to catch up on paperwork.” Ok, I still hated being stuck—but at least my initial extreme negativity was modified!
I would love to hear how you refocus. laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
A friend moved her nearly blind grandmother to a nursing home. When they arrived, my friend cringed at the small room, stained drapes and altogether depressing environment. Walking in and sitting down on the bed, her grandmother exclaimed, “What a nice place! I just love it!”
“Grandma, how can you say that? You can hardly see it.” My friend exclaimed. “Oh sweetheart, haven’t you learned, it is not about what the place looks like that matters. The only thing that counts is what we tell ourselves. And, I love it!”
How many times a day do we give ourselves negative messages? Before we can even intercede or acknowledge that WE are the source of the negativity, our self-imposed message becomes our reality. With practice and awareness, however, we can stop the negative messages before they become our truth, and replace them with a positive viewpoint.
It is difficult and takes a concerted effort. For example, the other day, I caught myself thinking, “Oh no, not more ice and snow. I hate being stuck inside.” Fortuitously, I caught myself, and replaced the thought with, “How beautiful, look at this unspoiled blanket of snow. It will allow me some time to catch up on paperwork.” Ok, I still hated being stuck—but at least my initial extreme negativity was modified!
I would love to hear how you refocus. laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Ego Deflators.
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, February 17th at 8:45 pm (Permalink)
I want to believe that ego deflators are not out to maliciously diminish others. They simply have the need to make themselves appear larger by making us appear smaller. I also want to believe that they are not aware of the toxic nature of their words and manipulations. Through years of refinement, they have successfully assembled an arsenal of sophisticated ego shrinking techniques.
We can learn to shield ourselves from the damage of their words. It is simply a matter of not reinforcing their efforts; and, if worth the energy, letting them know we’re on to their strategy. The best technique, however, is just to remind ourselves that this is about them---not about us. It is so much easier not to play in a pitiful and potentially potent game.
We also must look at our own behavior to insure that, however innocently, we have not become an ego deflator. Next time we will illustrate superficially benign, yet truly lethal, ego deflating language.
Always love your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
We can learn to shield ourselves from the damage of their words. It is simply a matter of not reinforcing their efforts; and, if worth the energy, letting them know we’re on to their strategy. The best technique, however, is just to remind ourselves that this is about them---not about us. It is so much easier not to play in a pitiful and potentially potent game.
We also must look at our own behavior to insure that, however innocently, we have not become an ego deflator. Next time we will illustrate superficially benign, yet truly lethal, ego deflating language.
Always love your thoughts---laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Don't Be An Ego Deflator!
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, March 2nd at 11:22 pm (Permalink)
Ego deflating language is communication that serves to elevate the communicator while diminishing the receiver. While often innocent on the surface, the message may be quite destructive. Some examples of common ego deflating techniques include:
1. Intimidation: Describing an action or accomplishment in a manner that makes it appear beyond your ability.
2. One Upsmanship: After you convey a story, proceeding to tell you something or someone that had it worse or did it better.
3. Judging: Statements put in a manner to demonstrate that you are just not quite up to par.
4. Intellectualizing: Using language or metaphors that are beyond normal comprehension.
5. Branding: The importance of labels is exaggerated. Everything from cars to clothing must carry an appropriate trademark.
While we may have to deal with the ego deflators in our lives, we can certainly be cognizant of our own behavior to make sure that we are not guilty!
What ego deflating language have you experienced? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
1. Intimidation: Describing an action or accomplishment in a manner that makes it appear beyond your ability.
2. One Upsmanship: After you convey a story, proceeding to tell you something or someone that had it worse or did it better.
3. Judging: Statements put in a manner to demonstrate that you are just not quite up to par.
4. Intellectualizing: Using language or metaphors that are beyond normal comprehension.
5. Branding: The importance of labels is exaggerated. Everything from cars to clothing must carry an appropriate trademark.
While we may have to deal with the ego deflators in our lives, we can certainly be cognizant of our own behavior to make sure that we are not guilty!
What ego deflating language have you experienced? laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Toughen Up!
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, April 6th at 6:55 pm (Permalink)
I am dismayed to see so many women dependant on external verification for validation of their value in the work place. Time and again, I hear women interpret a lack of compliments and positive reinforcement from employers as a negative reflection on their work. They fall into a downward spiral, feeling inadequate and unappreciated. Too often, unable to handle self imposed negative feelings, they quit their job as an offensive measure to prevent detrimental evaluations or firing.
Yes, our families and girl friends are great at bolstering our egos. That’s why we choose and need one another. But, we must grow up. The world does not work like this and we must quit interpreting the lack of positive feedback as negative feedback. Your employer is not your mother. They are not judging and commenting on everything you do. If they are unhappy, you will find out. If we spent as much time worrying about what are bosses are thinking, and, instead focused on producing the best result possible, we would be much better off.
You know when you’ve done a good job. Give yourself credit and move on. Yes, no one is denying that compliments feel good. And, yes, many of our superiors could and should learn how to freely give positive feedback. Nevertheless, we must stop personalizing non-responsiveness. Likewise, we must stop looking inwards when our employers are angry, depressed, or in a general state of agitation. Their reactions could emanate from a variety of sources, usually themselves or other issues---it’s not always about you!
Do your best work. Make time for periodic evaluations. Trust in these and in your instincts and quit analyzing every comment and gesture!
Do you berate yourself based on lack of reinforcement? laura@realwomenwin.com
Yes, our families and girl friends are great at bolstering our egos. That’s why we choose and need one another. But, we must grow up. The world does not work like this and we must quit interpreting the lack of positive feedback as negative feedback. Your employer is not your mother. They are not judging and commenting on everything you do. If they are unhappy, you will find out. If we spent as much time worrying about what are bosses are thinking, and, instead focused on producing the best result possible, we would be much better off.
You know when you’ve done a good job. Give yourself credit and move on. Yes, no one is denying that compliments feel good. And, yes, many of our superiors could and should learn how to freely give positive feedback. Nevertheless, we must stop personalizing non-responsiveness. Likewise, we must stop looking inwards when our employers are angry, depressed, or in a general state of agitation. Their reactions could emanate from a variety of sources, usually themselves or other issues---it’s not always about you!
Do your best work. Make time for periodic evaluations. Trust in these and in your instincts and quit analyzing every comment and gesture!
Do you berate yourself based on lack of reinforcement? laura@realwomenwin.com
"Do You Know Who I Am?"
Posted by Laura Black in
Monday, April 11th at 8:03 pm (Permalink)
It happened again. We’re at dinner and a familiar face comes up and says, “Hi, do you know who I am? I bet you don’t remember my name?”
Why would someone say that? Why would they put me in a position where I either have to insult them or embarrass myself? Obviously, if I remembered their name, I would have said, “Hi, Sally!”
When placed in this awkward position, what can I do but attempt to gracefully let Sally know that while, at this moment I can’t bring up her name, of course, I remember her. “I’m so sorry, I know you, but just can’t place your name.” I feebly replied.
When you see an acquaintance it is lovely to say hello. Go up to them, extend your hand and say, “YOUR NAME--- it’s good to see you.” Then, it is really considerate to give them a frame of reference as to the context you know each other. For example, “I know it’s been a while since our boys played soccer, but it’s so nice to run into you again.”
If the person did not remember your name, you just saved them from embarrassment. If they did, they can reply, “Oh, (your name) how could I not remember you!
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Why would someone say that? Why would they put me in a position where I either have to insult them or embarrass myself? Obviously, if I remembered their name, I would have said, “Hi, Sally!”
When placed in this awkward position, what can I do but attempt to gracefully let Sally know that while, at this moment I can’t bring up her name, of course, I remember her. “I’m so sorry, I know you, but just can’t place your name.” I feebly replied.
When you see an acquaintance it is lovely to say hello. Go up to them, extend your hand and say, “YOUR NAME--- it’s good to see you.” Then, it is really considerate to give them a frame of reference as to the context you know each other. For example, “I know it’s been a while since our boys played soccer, but it’s so nice to run into you again.”
If the person did not remember your name, you just saved them from embarrassment. If they did, they can reply, “Oh, (your name) how could I not remember you!
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Pardon Me While I Turn Off My Phone.
Posted by Laura Black in
Friday, April 22nd at 3:31 pm (Permalink)
You’re meeting someone for coffee, lunch, or a drink. Each of you sits down and places your cell phone on the table so that you can monitor calls and messages. A suggestion, say to your companion, “Excuse me while I turn off my phone.” Then put your phone out of sight.
What a powerful message you send by this thoughtful action. In effect, you have communicated, “I want to spend the next hour giving you my undivided attention. For the time that we are together, there is nothing more important to me than what you are saying.”
We can all survive, for a short time, without obsessive surveillance for possible outside communication. If you must make an exception because there really is a pending emergency, (waiting for the results of a recent blood test, or your child is driving on her own for the first time), a nice way to handle this is, “I apologize, but I am going to keep my phone on only because I am waiting for a call from my doctor. Of course, I will ignore all other calls and texts.”
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
What a powerful message you send by this thoughtful action. In effect, you have communicated, “I want to spend the next hour giving you my undivided attention. For the time that we are together, there is nothing more important to me than what you are saying.”
We can all survive, for a short time, without obsessive surveillance for possible outside communication. If you must make an exception because there really is a pending emergency, (waiting for the results of a recent blood test, or your child is driving on her own for the first time), a nice way to handle this is, “I apologize, but I am going to keep my phone on only because I am waiting for a call from my doctor. Of course, I will ignore all other calls and texts.”
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Reinvention.
Posted by Laura Black in
Thursday, April 28th at 2:45 pm (Permalink)
“I’m ready to reinvent myself,” the latest proclamation for countless women.
Isn’t this typical? We need to rely on a socially acceptable term, “reinvention”, to justify the fact that we are bored or ready to move on. The mere reality that we no longer feel energized, validated or challenged is not, to our thinking, in and of itself sufficient grounds for change. Yet, once we couch these feelings with the “reinvention” label, we can, perhaps, proceed on a more enriching path.
At some point we must reach the conclusion and gain the confidence to see that we must answer only to ourselves. We must remove the guilt that comes attached to our perception that we are not meeting some ill-defined, outside expectation.
If defining discontent with the “reinvention” word enables us to move on and actualize our authentic selves, we should go ahead and use it. But, we must take a moment for some honest reflection and realize that life is but a journey and our ultimate responsibility is to realize our individually unique needs and passions.
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Isn’t this typical? We need to rely on a socially acceptable term, “reinvention”, to justify the fact that we are bored or ready to move on. The mere reality that we no longer feel energized, validated or challenged is not, to our thinking, in and of itself sufficient grounds for change. Yet, once we couch these feelings with the “reinvention” label, we can, perhaps, proceed on a more enriching path.
At some point we must reach the conclusion and gain the confidence to see that we must answer only to ourselves. We must remove the guilt that comes attached to our perception that we are not meeting some ill-defined, outside expectation.
If defining discontent with the “reinvention” word enables us to move on and actualize our authentic selves, we should go ahead and use it. But, we must take a moment for some honest reflection and realize that life is but a journey and our ultimate responsibility is to realize our individually unique needs and passions.
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
“There’s Just No Room In My Head”
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, July 27th at 4:04 pm (Permalink)
A close friend was contemplating a difficult decision. She had been offered a new work opportunity. Unfortunately, the timing could not have been worse. She was in the midst of dealing with the failing health of an elderly parent and could not muster the energy to focus on the current opportunity. “I just don’t know how to think about this right now---there’s no room in my head!” she exclaimed.
Her summation of the situation was so well put. Oftentimes, when we are the most stressed or preoccupied, opportunities arise. At those moments, we simply do not have the emotional resources and energy to make informed decisions. So, being human, we stick to the known, the perceived safe place, and abstain from change.
A key skill is the ability to perceive when we are in a place where we simply cannot deal with new stimulation. Rather than rejecting, what could be fabulous opportunities, we need to acknowledge and accept where we are and try to buy some time. We do not want a temporary situation to keep us from embracing new, far reaching, opportunities. The mere act of recognition gives us control and hopefully a chance to postpone a decision until there is some “room in our head.”
How have you "bought some time"? Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Her summation of the situation was so well put. Oftentimes, when we are the most stressed or preoccupied, opportunities arise. At those moments, we simply do not have the emotional resources and energy to make informed decisions. So, being human, we stick to the known, the perceived safe place, and abstain from change.
A key skill is the ability to perceive when we are in a place where we simply cannot deal with new stimulation. Rather than rejecting, what could be fabulous opportunities, we need to acknowledge and accept where we are and try to buy some time. We do not want a temporary situation to keep us from embracing new, far reaching, opportunities. The mere act of recognition gives us control and hopefully a chance to postpone a decision until there is some “room in our head.”
How have you "bought some time"? Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Moving On.
Posted by Laura Black in
Friday, October 7th at 3:23 pm (Permalink)
Change may be inner directed, outer directed or a little bit of both. Inner directed change comes from within. It is a decision you make for yourself to increase satisfaction in your life. For example, the catalysts for making the decisions to find a new job, move to a new city, learn a new skill, end a relationship or retire are most often self motivated.
Outer directed change comes from outside. It is a change that is thrust upon you. Examples of outer directed change are the loss of a loved one, illness, termination, or the loss of savings in a bear market. Sometimes changes are a combination of both inner and outer directed decisions.
In any event, change causes anxiety. You are leaving the known for the unknown. The fear may be so paralyzing that you are tempted to remain in horrific circumstances just to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Ambrose Redmoon was correct in declaring, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than the fear.”
It is unrealistic for you to expect to undergo transition without experiencing fear and anxiety. You will be thrown off balance and it is unsettling. However, you must realize that the courage is in the determination that reaching your new goal is more important that the transient fear that you will experience. Whether the new goal is specific like finding a more rewarding job or amorphous like surviving the death of a spouse----you must determine that regaining your equilibrium and moving on is crucial for your emotional well being.
What is stopping you from moving on?
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Outer directed change comes from outside. It is a change that is thrust upon you. Examples of outer directed change are the loss of a loved one, illness, termination, or the loss of savings in a bear market. Sometimes changes are a combination of both inner and outer directed decisions.
In any event, change causes anxiety. You are leaving the known for the unknown. The fear may be so paralyzing that you are tempted to remain in horrific circumstances just to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Ambrose Redmoon was correct in declaring, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than the fear.”
It is unrealistic for you to expect to undergo transition without experiencing fear and anxiety. You will be thrown off balance and it is unsettling. However, you must realize that the courage is in the determination that reaching your new goal is more important that the transient fear that you will experience. Whether the new goal is specific like finding a more rewarding job or amorphous like surviving the death of a spouse----you must determine that regaining your equilibrium and moving on is crucial for your emotional well being.
What is stopping you from moving on?
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal.
Don't "Reply All."
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, November 30th at 8:23 pm (Permalink)
It happened again. I’m part of a group of about 75 people. An e-mail was sent out by our president, congratulating one of our members on a recent accomplishment. The praise was well deserved and appropriate. What was not appropriate, and frankly annoying, is my receiving copies of the 74 other members’ e-mails, echoing the original congratulatory message.
We must stop and think before we automatically hit “reply all” in response to an e-mail. More often than not, everyone on the list does not need to read everyone else’s agreement on the initial congratulatory message. If we feel the need to add our own congratulations, we should send it directly to the member, in other words, we can REPLY ONLY to her.
Likewise, if we wish to voice an opinion on an e-mail author’s sentiments, we may go ahead and do it, but, we must first consider whether the other 75 people on the list need to know our feelings. Oftentimes, by taking just a few seconds, we can distinguish and direct our remarks JUST to those who may be impacted by our reply.
We are all inundated with electronic communications. Let’s make a conscious effort to diminish these intrusions wherever possible and appropriate.
Laura@RealWomenWin.com #bereal
We must stop and think before we automatically hit “reply all” in response to an e-mail. More often than not, everyone on the list does not need to read everyone else’s agreement on the initial congratulatory message. If we feel the need to add our own congratulations, we should send it directly to the member, in other words, we can REPLY ONLY to her.
Likewise, if we wish to voice an opinion on an e-mail author’s sentiments, we may go ahead and do it, but, we must first consider whether the other 75 people on the list need to know our feelings. Oftentimes, by taking just a few seconds, we can distinguish and direct our remarks JUST to those who may be impacted by our reply.
We are all inundated with electronic communications. Let’s make a conscious effort to diminish these intrusions wherever possible and appropriate.
Laura@RealWomenWin.com #bereal
It Was a Great Life --You Should Have Been There.
Posted by Laura Black in Advocacy and Self Empowerment
Thursday, December 15th at 10:09 pm (Permalink)
Unwittingly, we are reminded of the fragility of life. We learn of the death of an old classmate. We witness the suffering of a neighbor. We feel the grief of a friend. Assaulted with reminders of the precious and precarious nature of our existence, we resolve to be present in our own lives.
Yet, how many of our days are filled with “shoulds”? How much of our time are we on automatic pilot simply going through the paces without questioning the destination? How many hours are wasted by being oblivious to our own hopes and dreams?
As the year comes to an end, it’s time to reflect.
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Yet, how many of our days are filled with “shoulds”? How much of our time are we on automatic pilot simply going through the paces without questioning the destination? How many hours are wasted by being oblivious to our own hopes and dreams?
As the year comes to an end, it’s time to reflect.
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Lose Weight and Exercise—Blah Blah Blah.
Posted by Laura Black in
Wednesday, January 4th at 2:29 pm (Permalink)
It’s a new year. Turn on the television, walk into a book store, or open a magazine and we are barraged with “helpful” tips to get in shape for 2012 just like we were for 2011, 2010, etc. etc. In fact, it’s almost impossible to escape the call for fitness and healthy eating habits.
But, what about getting our inner life in shape? What about trying to be more charitable, empathetic, spiritual, and non-judgmental? What about taking a new course? How about exposing ourselves to new and challenging experiences?
Ok, it is important to maintain optimal physical health. Most of us try (not always successfully). Let’s not forgot to also try and improve our emotional health. As Golda Meir once expressed, “Not being beautiful was a true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources…”
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Less is More.
Posted by Laura Black in
Friday, January 6th at 3:04 pm (Permalink)
I just finished reading 5 pages of notes. I got the point; the committee was not able to reach a unanimous decision. They could have said this in 5 words, rather than 5 pages.
We are all inundated with electronic communication. How helpful if we were mindful on the length of our messages.
Take a moment and review your writings? Is there any way you could be more concise? Can you delete some words, sentences or hopefully paragraphs? Could you be more effective by using bullet points?
I have more to say, but, I'm sure you got the point!
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
We are all inundated with electronic communication. How helpful if we were mindful on the length of our messages.
Take a moment and review your writings? Is there any way you could be more concise? Can you delete some words, sentences or hopefully paragraphs? Could you be more effective by using bullet points?
I have more to say, but, I'm sure you got the point!
Laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
Power.
Posted by Laura Black in
Tuesday, January 17th at 5:14 pm (Permalink)
Our flaws have no inherent power. Their only power comes from within. The ultimate effect our imperfections have on our lives is in direct correlation with the power we give them. If, up to this point, we’ve allowed our inadequacies to control, it’s now time to render them impotent.
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal
laura@realwomenwin.com #bereal